BEST JOKES ON PLANET (MISC JOKES)(A)

[solksjaer15]

O n elephant and a mouse are walking together through the jungle when the elephant falls into a very large hole. The hole is so large that try as he might, the elephant is unable to climb out.

So the mouse says, "Hang around, I'll get something to drag you out with" and leaves. A little while later the mouse returns driving a Porsche and with a rope tied to the bumper bar and he drags the elephant out of the hole.

The two friends continue their stroll through the jungle when all of a sudden, the mouse falls into a hole. The elephant immediately stands over the hole and squatting over it, lowers his penis so the mouse can grab it and lift himself out of the hole.

The moral of this story is that "If your dick is long enough you dont need a Porsche."

[solksjaer15]

Four women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their sex lives.

The first woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it."

The second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he wants to do is examine it."

The third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it."

A big grin on her face, the fourth woman says, "My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore hell out of it, and he has been working on it ever since."

[solksjaer15]

This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me, I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks?

"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife”

“ TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor.

"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary”.

“TWICE a day!!! Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.

"Yes, but that’s not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute”.

"Well, that's definitely too much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."

"I do", says the man. "Twice a day."

[solksjaer15]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.

The second dog turned to him and asked, 'What are you in here for, buddy?'

The dog looked depressed.
'I'm in big trouble,' he said. 'My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep.'

'I know how you feel,' said the second dog. 'My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself. I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep too.'

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.

'So what are you here for?' they asked.

'Well', said the third dog, 'my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.'

The other dogs nodded in sympathy.
'So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?'

'No,' said the dog, 'I'm having my nails clipped.'

[solksjaer15]

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' he says.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says,
`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!'

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

'You jerk,' yells the husband, 'my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!'

[solksjaer15]

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"

[solksjaer15]

There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy.

One evening, they`re in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms.

The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep.

He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.

He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | " on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy`s room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"

[solksjaer15]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart, putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.

So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes.

But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He yells at her, "Hey, it's not life imprisonment!"

[solksjaer15]

A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby farmer and asks to buy a chicken from him.

The farmer tells the man that they don't call them chickens here, "We say pullets."

Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, "We don't call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times."

Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster.

The farmer says, "We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks."

The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road.

A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him.

She says, "Sure, what do you need?"

The man replies, "Can you hold my cock and pullet... while I slap my ass?"

[solksjaer15]

A son was placing his father into a nursing home.

"Please don't put me in there, son!" cried the old man.

The son said, "Pop, I can't take care of you & work too. I've checked the place out & it is the best one there is. I think you'll love it."

The next day the father called his son & said, "Son, you were right! I LOVE this place, it is so great here. Thank you so much for making the decision!"

"That's swell, dad," said the son. "What makes it so great?"

"Well," replied the dad. "Last night I was in my room & from out of nowhere, I got an erection. A nurse came in, saw me & gave me a blowjob! I haven't had one of those in 30 or 40 years! I'd almost forgotten what it was like! It was fantastic!"

"That's great, dad," said the son.

A few days later the father called his son again & said "You have to get me out of here! I hate this place! I can't live here any more!"

"What's wrong, pop?" asked the son.

"Last night I fell down in the hallway. I was getting up and when I was on my hands & knees, a male nurse came along & sodomized me! I CANNOT and WILL NOT live like this!"

The son said, "Dad, I know that's terrible and we'll get it straightened out, but until then, you have to understand, we have to take the good with the bad. Just hang in there."

"No, son" said the dad. "You don't understand! I get an erection maybe once a year! I fall down two or three times a day!"