Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

Redneck Hygiene
adult

1.Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

2.If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

3.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

4.Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

[sahil_india_boy]

Redneck Families
adult

Many, many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!

[sahil_india_boy]

Why beer is better than Men
adult

Beer makes you feel better when you have your period.

Beer stains don't smell funny the next day.

Beer goes where you want it to.

Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you try on shoes at the mall.

Your beer never suffers performance anxiety.

When your beer won't get a head up, you can toss it out.

Beer doesn't stand there tapping it wristwatch.

No woman ever got stood up by a beer.

A beer doesn't start a fistfight with an ale.

Puking will rid you of that queasy feeling you get when you made the wrong choice.

Beer doesn't get drunk and call you at 3am to beg.

You don't need a restraining order with bad beer.

I never met a beer with a criminal record.

Beer labels come off when you want them to.

When you go to a bar, you can pick up a beer without worrying about that tan line on his ring finger.

You can pick up a beer in a bar right in front of your mom and she won't mind.

Beer never has a bad temper.

A beer won't throw you into the back seat of a 76' Datsun and dry hump you under a mercury vapor lamp.

A beer won't toss you in the passenger seat of a Mazda RX7 and show you it can go 100MPH on a flat stretch.

A beer doesn't bring strange people home with it.

Its easy to give beer good head with minimal shaking up.

You don't have to worry about a gag reflex with beer.

You can have more than one beer in a night without feeling sore.

You can talk to your girlfriends about your beer without it getting pissed off.

You have a good idea where that beer has been before you got it.

No one ever had to sleep in a beer spot.

Beer doesn't dis' you because you are a babe.

A beer won't shove its hand up your dress at your graduation party.

You don't have to fake it for a beer.

Beer has no ego.

A cold beer is a good beer.

Beer tastes good.

Beer doesn't leave you. It snuggles around your hips for a lifetime.

A beer doesn't hate your cat.

You can get six at once without taxing yourself.

A beer doesn't mind if you don't finish.

A beer won't leave the lid up.

[sahil_india_boy]

Quicksand
adult

A guy's jogging through the San Francisco park when he veers off the "beaten path" to take a leak. He accidently steps into quicksand and rapidly sinks to his waist. He can't get himself out.

So he calls to another guy who's jogging. "Hey, can you give me a hand?"

The other jogger says, "I'll help you -- for a blow job!"

"Fuck no! Goddamned fags!" The jogger shrugs and goes on his little merry way.

A few moments later, the sinking jogger is still going down, and another male jogger comes up. Again, the man in the quicksand asks for some help. "For a blow job!" the other jogger says.

"Fuck you -- no!! Goddamned fags!"

By this time, he's almost up to his neck in the quicksand. A third male jogger comes by. The man in the quicksand says, "Look, hey, if you help me out of here, sigh, I'll give you a blow-job."

The new jogger walks over. He stops in front of the other guy. Then he takes his foot and puts it on the guy's head and pushes him down under the quicksand. "Goddamned fags."

[sahil_india_boy]

Practicalities of the word Fuck
adult

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck." It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language , "fuck" falls into many Grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).

It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).

It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).

As you can see there aren't many words with the overall versatility of the word fuck.

Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations:

1 Greetings..........."How the fuck are ya?"
2 Fraud..............."I got fucked by the car dealer."
3 Resignation........."Oh, fuck it!"
4 Trouble............."I guess I'm fucked now."
5 Aggression........."FUCK YOU!"
6 Disgust............."Fuck me."
7 Confusion..........." What tha fuck....?"
8 Displeasure........."Fucking shit man..."
9 Lost................ "Where the fuck are we?"
10 Disbelief..........."UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!"
11 Retaliation........."Up your fucking ass!"
12 Apathy.............."Who really gives a fuck?"
13 Suspicion..........."Who the fuck are you?"
14 Directions........."Fuck off."

It can be maternal........"MOTHERFUCKER!!"
It can be used to tell time......." It's four fucking twenty!"
It can be used as an anatomical description............."He's a fucking asshole."

Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:

"What the fuck was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshima~
"That's not a real fucking gun." ~John Lennon~
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~
"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~
"Heads are gonna fucking roll." ~Anne Boleyn~
"Any fucking idiot could answer that." ~Albert Einstein~
"It does so fucking look like her!" ~Picasso~
"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" ~Michaelangelo~
"Fuck a duck." ~Walt Disney~
"Houston we have a big fucking problem." ~The Crew of Apollo 13~

[sahil_india_boy]

Potential Vs. Reality
adult

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help.

"Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely! For sure!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out ... Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks. But, in reality, we are just living with two sluts."

[chanhowedding]

God created the donkey and said to him, "You will be a donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years." God granted his wish.

God created the dog and said to him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years. You will be a Dog."
The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years." God granted his wish.

God created the monkey and said to him: "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years."
The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish.

Finally God created man and said to him:"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years."
Man responded: "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused."

God granted man's wish And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. when his children are grown,he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

That's Life ! :D :lol: :D

[sahil_india_boy]

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

[sahil_india_boy]

Hello, and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional...

[sahil_india_boy]

Why are seagulls called seagulls?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!