Hillarious Come in and Njoy this Festival.Best Jokes(PART 2)

[solksjaer15]

** Politicians make New Year resolutions **

New Delhi, Jan. 5: The new year has begun with a bang. The SUCS (Society of Useless Cribbing Souls) has brought out a file that states the new year’s resolutions that various politicians should make.

Atal Behari Bajpayee

Mr Bajpayee should make a conscious effort at trying not to catch 40 winks between sentences, maybe thinking with his eyes open would help.

Chandrababu Naido

Mr Naido should understand that different people have different needs. He should seriously rethink his plan of handing out free laptops to people who’d rather have two square meals a day.

Laloo Prasad Gadav

Indian scientists have developed a new kind of birth control method that is given intravenously. Mr Yadav and his wife should make an earnest effort to try this out. They already have enough children to form cricket teams called "Little Laloos Part A" and Little Laloos Part B".

Pal Thackery

Mr Thackery should consider changing his name to Chatrapatti Shivaji instead of using that name to rename everything in sight.

M. Karunanandi

The CM of Tamil Nadu should make a determined effort to get Veerappan apprehended. It’s about time this ’I-spy-with-my-little-eye’ game is stopped.

Jayalolita

Amma will try very hard to make do with just 50 saris and five pairs of shoes this year. She may feel underdressed but she should stare at a picture of the Mahatma for five minutes every morning and try to stick to her resolution.

[solksjaer15]

Indian Culture!

An Englisgman went next door to welcome his new Indian neighbour.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.

Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow’s big fat butt. He became angry and went up to the Indian man."

I’m sorry sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled in the Indian man’s face. The Indian man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually English customs. I was told, to be English, you have to chase chicks, get P**s drunk, and listen to bullshit."

[solksjaer15]

IT MUST BE TRUE, IT’S IN THE BIBLE

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere, and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem."

[solksjaer15]

Here Comes Some Bengali Jokes: :)

An angry Bengali letter?

Chitti-chitti Bong Bong.

A talkative Bengali?

Bulbul Chatterjee.

An enlightened Bengali?

Jyoti Basu.

A stupid Bengali girl?

Balika Buddhu.

A Bengali marriage?

Bedding.

A Bengali voyeur?

Keyhollo.

A mad Bengali?

In Sen (insane).

A dark Bengali who lives in a cave?

Kalidas Guha.

A perfumed Bengali?

Chandan Dass.

A Bengali goldsmith?

Shonar Bongla.

What is bigger than the state of Bengal?

The Bay of Bengal

[solksjaer15]

BILL GATES OF MICROSOFT

(MODIFIED VERSION OF DIL TO PAGAL HAI)

BILL TO PAGAL HAI.......

BILL DEEWANA HAI.....

ACHCHHE BURE SOFTWARES BANVATA HAIN YAHI,

HASATA HE YAHI, RULATA HAIN,

USME PHIR ’BUGS’ DALTA HAIN WOHI,

AUR SOLUTIONS BHI NIKALTA HAIN,

BILL TO PAGAL HAI.......

BILL DEEWANA HAI.....

IS BILL KI BATO MEIN JO AATE HAIN,

WOTO OOLLOO BAN JATE HAIN,

SOFTWARE TO DUSARE BHI BANATE HAIN,

BANAKE MAGAR KHO JATE HAIN,

HMMM BILL TO PAGAL HAIN.......

BILL DEEWANA HAIN.....

SOFTWARES KO MAIN NA PEHCHANOONGI,

WORKING BHI NA MEIN USKA JANOONGI,

MICROSOFT KA LOGO BASS MEIN DEKHOONGI,

BILL JO KAHEGA WOHI MANOONGI.

BILL TO PAGAL HAIN.......

BILL DEEWANA HAIN.....

BILL KA KEHNA HUM SAB MAANE,

BILL NA KISI KI MAANE,

USKI STRATEGY JAAN LI HAMNE,

EK WOHI NA MAANE.

BILL TO PAGAL HAIN.......

BILL DEEWANA HAIN.....

CHHODO YE BILL SAB KAHANIYA,

BUGS KI HAIN SAB NISHANIYA,

PROGRAMMERS KI SARI PARESHANIYA,

IS BILL KI HAIN YE MEHERBANIYA.

HMMM BILL TO PAGAL HAIN BILL DEEWANA HAIN...

[solksjaer15]

Mr. Banta went to a grocery stores collected the grocery and came to the counter and person at the counter started preparing bill for the items.

Banta asked " Where is the fat ?"

The person didnt understand what singh was saying and said "Excuse me sir, FAT???"

Banta: "Yes Fat, Give me the fat"

Banta started shouting and arguing with the person and all people

gathered and Manager of that grocery stores came there and asked Banta about the problem.

Banta said Hey Manager look, I took a yogurt from your stores and it was written "FAT FREE" on that but this guy is not giving me the fat.

[solksjaer15]

There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws place. He was absolutely positive that his wife was going to present him with a boy and wouldn’t hear of anything else.

As his leave balance had gone into the red, he told his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy. Then I’ll have to shell out a lot for parties, etc. Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of my son."

The offspring does arrive one day, but it’s a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he’ll misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So he sends the message, "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."

[solksjaer15]

Scene: Ajit is leering at a girl who happens to be the sister of one of the extras.

Extra: ``Saab bechaari goongi hai.

Ajit: ``are hum kahaaN usse ramayan padhvaane jaa rahe haiN.

[solksjaer15]

Drunk in the confession booth

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box.

He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either."

[solksjaer15]

PEOPLE’S PERCEPTION IN AND OUTSIDE INDIA

1. MOTHER-IN-LAW:

IN INDIA - A WOMAN CAPABLE OF MAKING YOUR LIFE MISERABLE.

OUTSIDE INDIA - A WOMAN YOU NEVER FIGHT WITH, BECAUSE WHERE ELSE YOU WILL FIND SUCH A DEDICATED BABY SITTER FOR FREE?

2. HUSBAND:

IN INDIA - A BORING HUMAN SPECIES, WHO LISTENS MORE TO HIS MOTHER THAN YOU, AND ORDERS YOU AROUND TO SERVE HIM, HIS PARENTS AND SIBLINGS.

OUTSIDE INDIA - STILL BORING, BUT NOW A USEFUL HUMAN SPECIES THAT COMES IN HANDY WHEN THE HOUSE NEEDS TO BE VACUUMED.

3. FRIEND:

IN INDIA - A PERSON WHOSE HOUSE YOU CAN DROP INTO ANY TIME OF THE DAY OR NIGHT AND YOU’LL ALWAYS BE WELCOME.

OUTSIDE INDIA - A PERSON WHOM YOU HAVE TO CALL FIRST TO CHECK AND MAKE SURE HE IS NOT BUSY.

4. WIFE:

IN INDIA - A WOMAN WHO GIVES YOU YOUR UNDERWEAR AND TOWEL WHEN YOU GO TO TAKE A SHOWER.

OUTSIDE INDIA - A WOMAN WHO YELLS AT YOU NOT TO LEAVE TUB DIRTY WHEN YOU GO TO TAKE BATH.

5. SON:

IN INDIA - A TEENAGER, WHO WITHOUT ASKING WILL CARRY YOUR GROCERY BAGS FROM THE MARKET.

OUTSIDE INDIA - A TEENAGER, WHO SUDDENLY REMEMBERS HE HAS LOT OF HOMEWORK WHEN YOU START MOWING THE LAWN.

6. DAUGHTER:

IN INDIA - A LOVELY DOLL, WHO BRINGS TEARS TO YOUR EYES DURING HER MARRIAGE.

OUTSIDE INDIA - A LOVELY DOLL, WHO BRINGS YOU TO TEARS LONG BEFORE HER MARRIAGE.

7. FATHER:

IN INDIA - A PERSON YOU ARE AFRAID OF, AND WHO IS NEVER TO BE DISOBEYED.

OUTSIDE INDIA - A PERSON TO WHOM YOU PRETEND TO OBEY, AFTER ALL HE IS THE ONE PAYING YOUR COLLEGE TUITION.

8. INDIAN ENGINEER:

IN INDIA - A PERSON WITH A RESPECTABLE JOB AND EARNING LOTS.

OUTSIDE INDIA - A PERSON WITHOUT A SECURE JOB, WHO ALWAYS DREAMS ONE DAY HE WILL BE RICH.

9. DOCTOR:

IN INDIA - A RESPECTABLE PERSON WITH OK INCOME.

OUTSIDE INDIA - A MONEY MAKING MACHINE, WHO HAS A MONEY SPENDING MACHINE AT HOME CALLED "DOCTOR’S WIFE".

10. BHANGRA:

IN INDIA - A VIGOROUS PUNJABI FESTIVAL DANCE.

OUTSIDE INDIA - A DANCE YOU DO, WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW

HOW TO DANCE.

11. SOFTWARE ENGINEER:

IN INDIA - A HIGH-TECH GUY, ALWAYS SPEAKS IN AMERICAN ACCENT, ALWAYS ANXIOUS TO QUEUE IN THE CONSULATE VISA LINE.

OUTSIDE INDIA - THE SAME HI-TECH GUY, WHO DOES GANAPATI PUJA EVERYDAY, AND SAYS ’THIS IS MY LAST YEAR IN THE US (OR WHEREVER) ’EVERY YEAR.

12. A GREEN CARD HOLDER BACHELOR:

IN INDIA - THE GUY CAN’T SPEAK HINDI, PARENTS OF GOOD LOOKING GIRLS ARE DYING TO HOOK HIM, WEARS JACKET IN SUMMER, SAYS HE HAS A BMW BACK THERE.

OUTSIDE INDIA - THE GUY CAN’T SPEAK PROPER ENGLISH, WEARS JACKET ALL THE TIME, WORKS IN A CANDY STORE AT MANHATTAN, DREAMS OF OWNING A BMW.