BEST JOKES ON PLANET (MISC JOKES)(A)

[solksjaer15]

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.

They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know. "

Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye."

He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye."

He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"

St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible, goodbye!"

A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.

Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!"

Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

[solksjaer15]

Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house.

After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.

Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?"

"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband?" asks the model.

"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris.

"Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling swim wear or underclothes.

Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris,standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.

Later Fed returns and they retire to bed.

"Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred. "Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?"

"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times?"

"Yes" says Fred "I have...but the rest of the darts team haven't."

[solksjaer15]

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin.

She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said.

The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.

They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

[solksjaer15]

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn’t familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up along side her and said, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?” “Reading my book”, she replied…as she thought to herself, “Isn’t it obvious”? “You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informed her. “But officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?” “Yes, but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.” “If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with rape”, snapped the irate woman. “But, I haven’t even touched you,” groused the sheriff. “Yes, that’s true,” she replied, “but you do have all the equipment.”

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read.

[solksjaer15]

A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup.

"What's this?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not paying for it!" and he storms out...

The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whore house across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto.

The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!" the waitress yells.

He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't paying for it EITHER!!!!!"

[solksjaer15]

Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation.

At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary, "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"

When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up, "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."

[solksjaer15]

A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, "I feel great, just great". Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great, honey!"

She replies,. "Well you look terrible"!

He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, "She's probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings". Meets his best friend, Joe and says, "Joe, I feel great".

Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible."

The physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up." The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: "Feels great, looks great, no that's not you". "Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you". "Feels great, looks terrible...Yes that's you... "It says here you're a vagina!"

[solksjaer15]

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.

He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

[solksjaer15]

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.

Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd.

The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery.

He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."

"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

[solksjaer15]

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically.

The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.

This piques the interest of the pharmacist. "What's could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?"

So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.

The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."