Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10.I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11.You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12.Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13.Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14.Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
15.A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16.Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
17.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18.The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20.Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21.If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
23.When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24.Following the rules will not get the job done.
25.When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, " How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

[sahil_india_boy]

I'm glad I'm a woman -Yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live on Budweiser, Beer nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections;
I won't drive to Hell before asking directions.
I act nice at parties; don't act like a clown;
And I know how to put the damn toilet seat down.
I won't grab your boobies; I won't pinch your butt.
My belt is not hidden beneath my beer gut.
I don't go around readjusting my crotch;
or make sure my headboard bears each hard-earned notch.
I don't belch in public; don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman, you see- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman; So glad I could sing-
and thrilled I'm not covered in shag carpeting.
Hair won't grow from my ears, Or cover my back.
And when I bend over You can't see my crack.
I'm a woman, alas-and I'm proud, don't you see?
I'm blessed to have two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live for golf, or shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I don't need male bonding; I don't cruise for chicks-
I'll never join the "Hair Club", or think with my dick.
I'm a woman, by chance And thankful I am!
I'm so glad I'm a woman, Not a man, yes I am!

[sahil_india_boy]

1.Don't call, ever.
2.If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3.Lie.
4.Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
5.If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6.Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregant, will you go out with me?
7.Drink MadDog
8.Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9.Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10.Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11.Lie
12.Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask.
13.Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
14.Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
15.If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
16.If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises.
17.TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
18.Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
19.One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
20.Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
21.Say things like "Wha...?"
22.Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
23.Lie
24.Deny everthing. Everything.
25.Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
26.If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
27.Don't have a clue.
28.If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
29.Yes means no.
30.If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
31.If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
32.Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
33.Feelings? What feelings?
34.Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
35.Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
36.Lie.
37.Keeping house is OUT OF THE QUESTION-live in filth. Babes love this.
38.DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer,leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
39.Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
40.At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia.
41.If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42.Lie.
43."Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
44.A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45.Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again.Repeat cycle.
46.Lie.
47.ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48.If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49.Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50.Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
51.It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52.Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc.
53.Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54.Lie.
55.Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56.Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
57.If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58.You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
59.You are male, therefore you are superior.
60.Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
61.Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.
62.Don't ever notice anything.
63.If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
64.Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
65.Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
66.LIE
67.If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
68.Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
69.If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
70.Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
71.Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
72.If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.
73.Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
74.If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.
75.Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex.Compare with others.
76.Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
77.Lie.
78.General Rule: Different is BAD.
79.If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
80.Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.
81.If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
82.Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
83.Lie.
84.If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
85.When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
86.Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.
87.If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
88.The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
89.Practice your blank stare.
90.Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
91.If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
92.If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
93.Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, Baby,I was BORN like this!"
94.Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
95.Beer. Then more beer.
96.Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
97.One word: FOOTBALL!
98.Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
99.Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".
100.LIE.

[sahil_india_boy]

An old lady in a nursing home was really hot to trot one day. She slipped into her nicest dress (with nothing on underneath) and proceeded down the hall to find her a stud. She came to the first door to see a bunch of men watching the big screen.

She walked in, put her leg up on the lazy-boy and said, "SUPPER PUSSY!"

The men just turned, looked her up and down and shook there heads. Still feeling frisky she walked down the hall to the next room where she saw another bunch of men. One was playing the piano, so she threw her leg up on the stool and yelled, "SUPPER PUSSY!"

Again the men just shook there heads and turned away. She needed a man. So she continued to walk down the hall to the cafeteria. There she finds some men at a table. She throws her leg up on it and yells. "SUPPER PUSSY!"

Well this old boy stops in his tracks, checks her up and down real good, and says, "I think I'll have the soup."

[sahil_india_boy]

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

[sahil_india_boy]

After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse. He entered and promptly went up to the
Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left. He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room.

To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life. Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him, turns around and yells, "HEY CHARLIE, THE DEAD ONE'S FULL AGAIN!"

[sahil_india_boy]

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door. When the madam came to answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, and wasn't leaving until he got it. The Madam figured why not, so she told him to come in.

Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no.

But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others.

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that I just caught.

When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitter, he and mom will go to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it.

In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie with mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

[sahil_india_boy]

1. Bitch

2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no" then get pissed off when you are believed.

3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, ie You say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!"

6. Whine

7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

11. Complain

12. Hate any bar he likes.

13. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. these are required gifts proving his love.

14. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life (also, see number 7).

15. Remember that ANY woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quick as possible.

16. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

17. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.

18. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given.

19. Insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

[sahil_india_boy]

Beer Troubleshooting
adult

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.


SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.


SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.


SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.


SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.


SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.