joke time buddies(PART 2)

[ftvfatboy]

A young lad was bragging in the school playground to his friends that
his brother could play the piano by ear.

"That's nothing" said one boy "My brother fiddles with his willy!"

[ftvfatboy]

A BIRD-WATCHER'S GUIDE TO MOTORISTS:

Gleeful Splatter-dasher: Loves to douse pedestrians.

Head-turning Chatterbird: Seldom keeps his eyes front.

Hill-passing Swift: Ignores "No Passing" signs on hills.

Migratory Weaverbird: Constantly jumps lanes in traffic.

Ruffle-fendered Tail-gater: Bears marks of too-close contact.

Addlepated Honker: Always sounds off without reason.

Nocturnal Dimwit: Drives in the dark with parking lights.

Torpid Highway Creeper: A menace to all other road runners.

One-eyed Nighthawk: Ignores his burned-out headlight.

Gawking Booby: Gazes around while driving. [A species related to
the Head-turning Chatterbird, above]

Crosswalk Creeper: Can't resist cheating on the takeoff.

Unfortunately, these species are not extinct, so while you're
driving, keep a sharp lookout for these birds - and be sure no
one thinks you're one of them.

[ftvfatboy]

* BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

* GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

* GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

* GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

* GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

* BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

* BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

* MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

* WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

* MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

* Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

* Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon"..
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

* Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

* Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

* My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

* Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

* Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

* Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

* Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

* Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

* Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

* Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

[ftvfatboy]

Little boy goes to his father and asks,
"Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set
up a date via e-mail with your Mom and me met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered
that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late
to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up
appeared and said:
You got Male !!!!................

[ftvfatboy]

Salary theorem
This theorem states that engineers and scientists can never ever earn as much money as businessmen,salesmen,politicians and actors easily make.

This theorem can be demonstrated by reducing it to a simple mathematical equation:

The equantion rests on two postulate:

Postulate no.1:Knowledge is power.
Postulate no.2:Time is money.

Given that: Power=Work/Time

And from postulate no.1 and no.2 we get,

Knowledge=Work/Money

Therefore,

Money=Work/Knowledge

So when knowledge goes to zero, money goes towards infinity,regardless of the value attributed to work,even if the value of work is very small.

On the contrary, when knowledge goes towards infinity, money goes towards zero,even if the value of work is high.

Conclusion:

* The less you know,the more money you definitely make.
* Those of you who have had difficulty following this will make a lot of money!!!

[ftvfatboy]

[ftvfatboy]

men and women

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl . . . . and her husband is on the back of the milk carton!

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man,"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking! for some e tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. ( I figure this guy will soon appear on the milk carton! )

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men ... the husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[ftvfatboy]

the Stupidest people to ever dial 911!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming fromthe brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen tableand when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me beforeand I'm sick and tired of it.

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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Hi, is this the Police?

Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?

Caller: Well, I don't know who to call.Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?

Caller: Fire, I guess.Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?

Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?

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Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?

Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on mytiresand... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me?

Dispatcher: Help you what?

Caller: Help me get these &*%$ chains on my car!

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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just sai d it was nine-one-one.

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

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And the winner is..........

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Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ftvfatboy]

English is really funny
1. A candidate's application
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both,
I am applying for the post."

2. An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave"...

3. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his
friend's letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school"

6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.

7. Another leave letter written to Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave

8. Someone writing a letter in English for first time to his friend:
I am in the well, Hope you are also in the well........

[ftvfatboy]

N.E.S
U come to know its N.E.S(National Education Society) when:-
U see boys in pure shirt and formal style and girls in T-shirts and skirts.
U see boys carrying Rs.30/- extra, cuz they don't know when they will be fined.
U see students standing outside on corridor and when asked reason they simply reply that they were absent the day before that.
U see proffesors raiding your bag without any pre-warning.
Any thing of yours can be seized.
U are made to fill form late and then asked fine for filling it late.
U see the worst canteen being crowded.
U find more F1,F2 then all pass.
U find student's english book up-to-date.
U find the attendance around 95%.(Yuck!)
U find a never used fountain being placed.
U r asked to pay for ur absence.
U realize that teachers knows ur bio-data.
U find students having all the books in his bag.
U find no lecture is left free.
U find students covering even there rough book.
U find toppers getting admission through donation.
U find students laughing at a awkward jokes. (atleast
U find student thinks themselves as real stud. my
U find students giving silly names to each other. class)
U find library is always filled up.
(will be updated with more national news....so keep tune in)