JOKES TIME BUDDIES(PART 4)

[ftvfatboy]

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
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OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[ftvfatboy]

1. Husband

Santa Singh spoke frantically into the phone, "My
wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No, you idiot!" Santa shouted. "This is her
husband!"

2. Driving Sleep

Santa Singh and Banta Singh were discussing how they
would like to die.

Santa said, "When I die, I want to go peacefully
like my Grandfather did, in his sleep. I don't want to die
screaming like some of his friends, who also died at the same
time."

Banta asked, "How did his friends die screaming
while your grandfather died sleeping peacefully?"

Santa Singh replied, "His friends were the
passengers in the car he was driving."

3. My name is ....
Once Santa Singh was traveling in a train, a man
came and slapped him by shouting, "oye Santa Singh teri aisi ki
taisi". the man again slaps Santa Singh by shouting out the same
words. This goes

on for at least 15 times, the sitting beside
sardarji asks him as to why he(Santa Singh) was not slapping the man.
Santa Singh replied, "MY NAME IS NOT SANTA SINGH!!!!!!!!".


Parents achievements

Santa Singh and Banta Singh were always boasting of
their parents achievements to each other.

Santa Singh: Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?

Banta Singh: Yes, I have.

Santa Singh: Well, my father dug it.

Banta Singh: That's nothing, have you ever heard of
Dead Sea?

Santa Singh: Yes, I have. Banta Singh:

Well, my father killed it

A sardar, a Madrasi and a Gujarati were waiting for
a bus when a dangerous-looking guy approached them. He suddenly
pulled out a syringe with blood inside it and said in a menacing
tone, "Give me all your valuables or I'll pierce you with this
needle. This contains AIDS infected blood!"

Our friends were naturally alarmed - all except the
sardar. The Madrasi immediately gave away all his valuables. The
Gujju bargained with the stranger and gave away half of
his belongings.

The sardar, however, was unfazed. He refused to part
with his money. In anger and frustration, the guy pricked the
sardar with the needle and ran away. The alarmed Madrasi and
Gujju asked the sardar, "How could you do this? Now you will get
AIDS surely!".
The sardar coolly replied, "No! I won't! I am wearing a
condom".


13. Urine Test
Two sardarjis were sitting outside a clinic. One of
them wascrying like anything. So the other asked, "Why are you
crying?" The first replied "I came here for blood test" Second one
asked,"So? Are you afraid?"

First one replied, "No, not that. During the blood
test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying. The
first one astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."


15. Neither Do I
Santa Singh applied for an engineering position at
an MNC office in Amritsar. Reddy from Chennai applied for the same
job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked
to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the
test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the
questions. The manager went to Santa and said, "Thank you for your
interest, but we've decided to give the job to Reddy".

Santa: "And why would you be doing that? We both got
9 questions correct. This being Punjab I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the
correct answers,but on the one question that you got wrong."

Santa: "And just how would one incorrect answer be
better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple, for the question that both of you
got wrong, Reddy put down 'I don't know' as the answer. And you wrote
'Neither do I'!"

17. The Train Driver
One train, which was going peacefully on the
rail-tracks, deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby
and
then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified. On the
next Railwaystation the driver was caught :He was found to be a
Sardar.
When he was questioned. He explained that there was a man
standing on the track and he was not moving from there even after
lots of
honks etc.
Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just
to save lifeof one person you put life of so many passengers under
danger. You should have run over that person .

Sardar said :
Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running

[ftvfatboy]

One day Sardarji goes to the doctor and says 'Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts.'The doctor says'OK. Touch your elbow.'The Sardarji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.

The doctor, surprised, says 'Touch your head.


'The Sardarji touches his head and jumps in agony.

The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.

Everywhere the Sardar touches it hurts like hell.

The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with x-rays, etc. and tells the Sardar to come back in two days.

Two days later the Sardar comes back and the doctor says;'We've found your problem.

'Sardarji: 'Oh yeah? What is it?'

Doctor: 'You've broken your finger!

************

A "Mallu" female (from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview for the post of a SECRETARY.

When the manager saw the Mallu's colorful attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jet black hair, his mind was screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN."

Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu. So he told her "If you could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then may be I will give you a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK."

The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said:"I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW..... BLUE's that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number.. ... Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, yokeeyy? Thank you."

The Manager fainted.....

************

[ftvfatboy]

Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and Sardarji were sent to the outer space.

The ground control issues commands,

"Rubi!"

"Woof!" (barking sound )

"Press the red button." "Woof! Woof!"
"Moti!"

"Woof!"

"Press the white button." "Woof! Woof!"
"Sardarji!"

"Woof."

"Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!"

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Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.

Sardarji says "Yes".

"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."

The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride.

On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says I am not a fool.

This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."


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Santa and Banta Singhs landed up in Bombay and got into a double-decker bus.
Santa somehow managed to get a bottom seat in the bus.
Unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top.
When the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to look up Banta, found Banta in badly scared, clutching the seats in front with both hands.
Santa asked, "Arre Banta! What's going on? Why so scared?
I was enjoying my ride down there?
Scared Banta replied, "Yeah, but you've got a *driver*."


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80,000 sardars meet in the Guru Nanak stadium, for a "Sardars Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Sardars are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A sardar gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then 80,000 sardars start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the worldwide press and global broadcast media here, uh, I guess we can give him another chance.
"So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected.
Sigh! Everyone is disheartened, the sardar starts crying and the 80,000 sardars begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more ha than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?
The surd closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 surdies jump to their feet,
wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream.
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!


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[ftvfatboy]

i wanna changing my policy
ie.,
1 post 1 collection


Speeding

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...
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Stop sign

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.

"No," the man replied.

"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.

"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"

The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."
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Circle Flies

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
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Get well message

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
************************************************** *****************
On their way home

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
************************************************** ********

[ftvfatboy]

The stupid questions

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.


Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
************************************************** ******
Lawyers aren't honest

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"
************************************************** ********

[ftvfatboy]

Lawyer's fee schedule

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.

"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.

"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.

"Your right. It's mine."
************************************************** *********
What type of tracks?

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.
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[ftvfatboy]

The cost of a brain

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
************************************************** **********
Resolve our problem

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See! It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."

[ftvfatboy]

Seashore with family

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.

Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.

"Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to.

"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

[ftvfatboy]

Steal from lawyers

Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries.

"Didja get anything on that last heist?" Jack asked.

"Nuttin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out that the guy that lives there's a lawyer."

"Jeez, ain't that the breaks," his friend sympathized.

"Didja lose anything?"