BEST JOKES ON PLANET (MISC JOKES)(A)

[solksjaer15]

A gentleman is undergoing a vasectomy. During the delicate operation, one of his testicles falls onto the floor and before the nurse can pick it up, the doctor steps on it.

The doctor tells the nurse, "Don't worry, we can replace it. Get me a very small onion." She does and the doctor replaces the missing ball with the onion.

A few weeks later, the patient stops by to see the doctor, who asks him what seems to be the problem.

"Well, it's like this," the patient replies. "Every time I take a piss, my eyes water. Every time I come, I get heartburn, and every time I pass a Burger King, I get a hard-on!"

[solksjaer15]

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn.

"You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said.

"Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply.

"And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did.” You're back at work on Monday.

[solksjaer15]

A doctor died and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife.

Unfortunately he'd been a bit of a lout and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect.

Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather disturbing.

Upon opening the first door, he saw fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, so he quickly shut the door.

After looking through the second door, he was even more horrified to see various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch.

Nervously he opened the third door to discover groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps!

He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and said, "I'll take the third door!"

"Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSE'S Hell!"

[solksjaer15]

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.

[solksjaer15]

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex?
. . .Me neither."
--Drew Carey

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have
a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Unknown

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it
kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."
--Bill Kelly

"As the French say, there are three sexes-men, women
and clergymen." -- Rev. Sydney Smith

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date
on Saturday night."
--Woody Allen

"Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly
gifted aren't burdened with children."
--Sam Austin

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
--George Burns

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of
getting married."
--Matt Barry

"Leaving sex to the clergy is like letting your dog
vacation at the taxidermist."
--Camille Paglia

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

[solksjaer15]

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"



"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."



Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"



Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

[solksjaer15]

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen.

There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,

"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"

Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the hell? She does it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

"So, so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer."

[solksjaer15]

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

[solksjaer15]

A woman gets a facelift for her 47th birthday.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand and asks the sales clerk, “How old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” the clerk replies.

“I’m actually 47,” the woman says.

She then goes into McDonald’s and asks the cashier the same question.

“I’d guess about 29,” she says.

“Nope, I’m 47,” the woman replies.

Later, as she waits for the bus, she asks an old man the same question.

“I’m 78,” he says, “and my eyesight is starting to go. But when I was young, you could determine a woman’s age by putting my hand up her shirt and feeling her boobs.”

Curiosity getting the best of her, she says, “What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips his hand up her shirt and, after a few minutes, says, “You’re 47.”

“That’s amazing!” she says, stunned. “How did you know?”

“I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”

[solksjaer15]

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.

The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.

The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"