Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

THE POWER OF BEANS: Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after thatthey were married. A few mont hs later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!. S he put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other let and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, Surprise! To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the t able for his surprise birthday party.

[sahil_india_boy]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a flounder? One's a bottom dwelling scum sucker...the other's a fish! + You're in a cage with a real mean bear , a lawyer and a gun with only 2 bullets. What do you do? You shoot the lawyer twice, the bear's the least of your problems. How can you tell the differnce between a lawyer and a skunk lying in the middle of the road? The skunk is the one with the skid marks in front of it!

[sahil_india_boy]

There was this guy who was taking care of his friends house while he was on vacation. His friend called and asked how things were going. He responded by saying that his dog died. "Thats horrible. Why didn't you say that my dog was on the roof so when I call back, you tell me he's dead and it isn't so bad." His friend said," Anything else?" "Well, your mother is on the roof"

[sahil_india_boy]

Last words of a frontier man to his son right before they are stampeded by Buffalo. Answer: Bison What do you call an Irish cowboy? Answer: Rick O'Shay Did you hear about the one armed man that used to juggle chain saws?

[sahil_india_boy]

Two guys are hunting in the forest and they run across a bear. They both take off running, after a while one guy stops and takes off his backpack and takes out a pair of running shoes. The other guy sees this and is wondering what is going on, so he stops, runs back to the guy and asks "Why are you putting on your running shoes, do you really think you are going to be able to out run that bear with those?" the other guy said "I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to out run YOU!" What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? ELEPHINO!(hell if I know)

[sahil_india_boy]

Bill & Hillary Clinton and Al Gore all die in a plane crash. Upon reaching the gates of Heaven, they're met by God. God looks down from his throne at Al Gore and asks, "Who are you?" Al Gore replies, "I'm Al Gore, I was Vice President of the Unite d States." God thinks for a second and says, "Very commendable. You may take the chair to my immediate left" Looking at Bill Clinton, God asks who HE is. "I was Bill Clinton, PRESIDENT of the United States." "Very good," says God. "You may take the chair to my right." Looking at Hillary, he asks, "And who are YOU?" "I'm Hillary Clinton, and YOU'RE in MY chair!!"

[sahil_india_boy]

2 worms crawling through the grass. Male worm says to female worm " how about you and I going back to your place? Female worm says " ok" they get back to her place and the male worm notices that she has on a wedding ring. Male worm says " I'm sorry honey but I don't do this sort of thing with married worms. fermale worm says " don't worry, my husband is not coming home. Male worm says " how do you know that for sure? Female worm says " he got up early this mornin g and went fishing! Man getting ready to celebrate his 100th birthday. All his freinds get together and send him a woman. She knocks at his door and he answers it to find every mans dream girl. She says to him - I'm here to give you supersex. He says to the young lady - thanks for coming over young lady but I think it will have to be the soup!

[sahil_india_boy]

In a school the teacher asks Johnny - "If there are 3 birds sitting on a wire and if u shoot the middle one then how many birds remain ?" Johnny takes a moment and says "None !" "How ?" the teacher asks. "Well if u shoot one of them then the rest of them will fly away !" replied Johnny.

[sahil_india_boy]

YO MOMMA IS SO DUMB.....SHE WENT TO REHAB CAUSE SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS HOOKED ON PHONICS!!!!! WHAT GOES VROOM-SCREECH-VROOM-SCREECH-VROOM-SCREECH? A BLOND AT A FLASHING RED LIGHT. WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR SIX FOOT BLONDS LYING IN A ROW? AN AIR MATTRESS!

[sahil_india_boy]

Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory? She threw away all the W's. A group of blondes were on the way to Disney Land, then they got to a sign that said Disney Land left, so they turned aroud and went home. What is the difference between a brunette and a garbage can? The garbage can gets taken out once a week.