Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

These two good ole boys decided to take a few days off from work and see some of the sights. So one morning after they crossed the state line they stopped to pick up a few supplies at a local store. One of the men told the shop keeper, "we need so me maters, taters and onions. The shop keeper said "ya'll are from West Virginia, aren't you?" and the good ole boys said "yea, how did you know?". The shop keeper said, "it is because of your dialect, you know the accent". So as the good ole boys left , one looked at the other and said, "that was pretty neat, can I try it the next time?" The other one said "sure". So the next morning as they went into a different shop, the other good ole boy said to the shop keeper, "we need some maters, taters and onions" and the shop keeper said, "you're from West Virginig aren't you?". Grinning the good ole boy said, "yep, yep and I bet you knew that because of my dialect, you know my accent". The shop keeper said, "no, this is a hardware store!!!!!!!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Moses, Jesus, and this old man were playing golf, par3, with the green on the other side of a water trap. Moses goes first. Chips it up and it lands ten feet in om the green. He curses as the balls sinks to the bottom. Walking up to the water hole, he speads his arms wide, the water parts, and he hits the ball onto the green. Moses then steps up onto the green, and the water returns downward. Jesus is next. He chips the ball up and it lands on the green, but rolls into the water. e dosn't curse, bu t he thinks it! He walks up to the water hole and carefully begins to walk on the water until he reaches his ball, reaches in and throws it onto the green. The old mans turn. He chips it up and it lands right in te middle of water trap. Just as the bal l begins to sink, a frog swims over and eats it. Then a fish swims over and ats the frog. t swims to the top of the hole and a hawk dives out of the sky and picks up he fish in its talons. As the hawk flies away, a lighning bolt comes out ofthe sky and hi ts the hawk, causing it to explode, with the ball dropping right in the hole. Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Nice shot, Dad!"

[DKP]

maybe not as funny but....it is clean..

Why does a chicken coupe have 2 doors?.................
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Because if it had 4 it woulg be a sedan... :P

[khmerkidd562]

damn this thread is amazing

[rixanonna]

What do you call a cow with no legs? ground meat

[rixanonna]

if i win the lottery i'm going to space and jizzing on mexico and blaming it on hillary clinton

[ranees]

cheers for the jokes mate

[sahil_india_boy]

Blonde Rents a Porn Movie
adult

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."

[sahil_india_boy]

Pierre the Fighter Pilot
adult

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Pick up line comebacks
adult

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy"
Woman: "But if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"