Drinking jokes

[COPTICCIN]

CUSTOMS INSPECTION



After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

[COPTICCIN]

MOTHER SAYS



Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small sampling:


PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

[COPTICCIN]

PUNISHMENT TO FIT THE CRIME



One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

[COPTICCIN]

A TEENAGER IS...



- A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

- A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.

- Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

- A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

- A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.

- A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.

- An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.

- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

- A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

- A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

- An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

[COPTICCIN]

HAM SANDWICH



As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard!

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

[COPTICCIN]

FAMILY HISTORY



One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

[COPTICCIN]

NEW AGE LULLABY



Hush little baby don't you squall
Momma's gonna buy you a crystal ball.

And if you still can't see beyond
Momma's gonna buy you a magic wand.

And if that wand don't change your fate
Momma's gonna teach you to levitate.

And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma's gonna buy you an incense stick.

And if that patchouli smells too rank
She'll buy you a sensory deprivation tank.

And if that tank don't float your bones
Momma's gonna buy you some precious stones.

And if those gems don't ease your heart
Momma's gonna buy you a natal chart.

And if your planets go berserk
Momma's gonna buy you some bodywork.

And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma's gonna buy you a past life reading.

And if your destiny stays hid
Momma's gonna buy you a pyramid.

And if your chakras still feel stressed
Momma's gonna take you on a vision quest.

And if power animals don't come to charm ya
Sorry, kid, it's just your karma.

[COPTICCIN]

MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS



1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof thermoses will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

[COPTICCIN]

RESISTING ARREST



A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.

"Do you have a drivers license?" asks the father.

"No," says the boy.

"Are you resisting arrest?" he asks.

The boy hesitates before he says, "No ... I'm not sleepy yet."

[COPTICCIN]

TAKE A HIKE
Copyright 1999 W. Bruce Cameron http://www.wbrucecameron.com



Don't you hate it when you're just getting into your "productive zone" and a family member interrupts with some fool project that threatens to derail your whole day?

Case in point: This weekend I'm settling into my chair, a pristine bag of taco chips nestled under my arm like a newborn baby. In my lap the TV listings reveal an entire day of sporting events (including Ukrainian Woman's Body Building, which I never miss), while to my right is a beer, glistening with dew and shimmering with promise. Then my wife bursts into the room and begins to wax irrational.

"I want to go on a family hike," she proclaims.

I nod encouragingly. "Then you should go. I'm sure there are plenty of families who would love to accompany you."

"I mean us."

"Why a hike?" I demand. "Don't they have a web site for that?"

My children are equally astounded, but, like any responsible parent, I've decided to present them with a unified front. "Your mother is crazy," I explain. "We'd better do what she says."

"But I have plans for the weekend!" my oldest daughter howls. "Why do I have to go?"

"Well, you ARE technically part of the family," I observe. "Pretend you're walking at the mall."

"You are ruining my whole life," she snaps. (I don't tell her what having two teenagers has done to mine.)

My other daughter tries a different approach.

"Can Brittany come along?"

"No."

"How about Whitney?"

"No."

"Danielle?"

"No."

"Greta?"

"Is Greta the one I like?"

"Yes!"

"Then no."

The family packs as if we're never coming back. Everyone is carrying enough water to wash the car. Our backpacks bulge with extra clothing suitable for both a day on a dog sled and an afternoon of beach volleyball.

After carefully applying makeup, my 17-year-old daughter troops out in a skin-tight blouse that looks like it came right off the rack at "Babes R Us." Maybe she's hoping we'll encounter a cleavage contest. "What do you think, we're going to run into boys on this trip?" I demand. Her response is an insolent toss of the hair that makes me wish I had some sheep-shearing tools in the garage.

"Put on something less...mammalian," I tell her.

"Why?" she jeers. "Do you think we're going to run into boys on this trip?"

My son wants to know why he can't take his hamster. "Because all pets have to be kept on a leash," I explain.

"I WILL keep him on a leash!" he promises eagerly.

An hour later we're at the base of a hill. "This is crazy," I tell my wife supportively. "Why couldn't we pick a downhill path?"

"It will be downhill on the way back," she says, as if this makes any sense.

I cast a look at my kids. My eleven-year-old is carrying a walking stick and wearing ski goggles -- he looks like a sherpa. My youngest daughter is plugged into CD headphones; my oldest is talking on the cell phone. "We're coming up on a big, big rock," she reports. "No, wait, that's my dad's butt."

For some reason this strikes my wife as funny, and she begins what will turn out to be two straight hours of giggling.

I step into a mucky bog and my shoe is sucked right off. "Hey! The trail is eating my feet!" I protest. Only my son stops to help. He has changed into a hockey helmet. I frown. "Where'd you get that?" I ask.

"In your backpack, under the ant farm."

"You brought your ant farm? Why?"

"Because I couldn't bring my hamster," he explains logically.

After we've hiked across a couple of time zones, my knees begin muttering to themselves about the ordeal. "We need to take a break, I'm bleeding internally!" I call out. I'm ignored.

I'd still be up there if it weren't for a sudden storm (shows what happens when you send your prayers marked "urgent"). My son pulls umbrellas from my backpack and we run down the hill.

"That was a once-in-a-lifetime, never-again experience," I announce as I start the car.

My wife, gazing out the window, pretends she doesn't understand the significance of my phrasing.