Drinking jokes

[COPTICCIN]

DEFINITION OF A TEENAGER



Teenager (noun)

1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets. Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether. Very territorial.

Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility. The males of the species forage for food constantly and can consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous.

The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development. Males indicate their approval by staring at the display. The call of the female is complex and shrill: "Like, O m'Gosh! O m' Gosh!" Males are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory "Yo. Yo. Yo. S'up? S'up? S'up?"

Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders, "I'm doing my HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK." The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios. Male Teenagers concentrate on important information by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo Sapiens families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one or more than one Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice.



2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behavior. ("She's a Teenager.")

3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support. ("I have a Teenager at home.") Often accompanied by sighs, head shaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.

[COPTICCIN]

THINGS YOUR MOM WOULD NEVER SAY



* How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

* Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.

* Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery.

* Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week.

* Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

* Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me.

* The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

* I don't have a tissue with me. Just use your sleeve.

* Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve.

[COPTICCIN]

THINGS A FATHER WILL NEVER SAY



* Well how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

* You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for non-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

* I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude. I like that in a young person!

* Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!!

* What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

* Your mother and I are going away for while. You might want to consider throwing a party.

* Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickie thingies - you know - that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to the mechanic's and pay whatever they ask.

* No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly aching and lets get to the mall.

* Whaddaya want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

* Father's Day? Ah - don't worry about that - it's no big deal.

[COPTICCIN]

WHITE HAIR



One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

[COPTICCIN]

A POEM FOR MOMS AND DADS



Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

[COPTICCIN]

GENERATION GAP



During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

[COPTICCIN]

MOTHER'S DICTIONARY



AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.

DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

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THE BRIBE



An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.

"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Ford, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

[COPTICCIN]

TALKING TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT DRUGS



These days, pressure to do drugs is all around, so it's vital that you reach your kids early. Here are some tips for talking to them about marijuana and other illegal substances.

* Tell your kids that if they ever do drugs, CIA Director William Webster will think they are losers.

* As an alternative to drugs, suggest "cool" drug-free activities, like making a bird feeder out of a milk carton or interviewing local seniors about what the olden days were like.

* Before engaging in any stressful discussion with your children, take a moment to smoke a bowl or two to relax. Scare your kids straight with the terrifying tale of the time you were 16 and did bong hits in the back of an El Camino outside a Kansas concert.

* Explain that only lowlifes like pro athletes and rock stars use drugs.

* Kids may ask too many questions. To save time, just explain to them that the powder-filled balloons will keep them from getting sick on the plane ride back to America.

* If your child must use drugs, make it a culturally enriching experience by hiring a certified shaman to take him/her on a traditional peyote vision quest.

* As an alternative to harmful drugs like marijuana, encourage your kids to experiment with safe, legal substances like cigarettes and alcohol.

* Be direct, brief, and to the point. Remember, you only have about 45 minutes or so before the acid really starts to kick in.

* Today's kids place an emphasis on good "vibes" in a conversational setting. Accentuate the site of your talk with black-light posters and lava lamps. Keep the lighting dim, hanging wall-sized tie-dyes or tapestries over exterior windows to blot out all sunlight.

* Explain to your kids that the reason they call it "dope" is that you have to be a "dope" to use it. From then on, the mere mention of "dope" will flood their minds with terrifying imagery of "being a dope," scaring them off drugs forever.

* Record your conversation with your child, then unspool, cut up and reassemble the recording at random. Use the resultant juxtaposed fragments to predict the future in a process similar to the throwing of the I Ching.

* Ask the editors of Highlights For Children to repeat the strip in which Goofus OD's and chokes on his own vomit in a bathroom stall at the train station.

* Before bringing up drugs with your kids, hook your turntables up to a wah-wah pedal.

[COPTICCIN]

BEING A MOM




One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home! The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes," was his reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"