BEST JOKES ON PLANET (MISC JOKES)(A)

[solksjaer15]

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.

After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"

[solksjaer15]

A priest had lost his cock (Male Chicken) and didn't know where to find
it. So at the sermon next day he asked, "Has anybody got the cock?" All
the men stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?" All the women folk stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up.

[solksjaer15]

Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex.

Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away.

Later, she told her husband of the incident. he said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door.

When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes.

The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife.

[solksjaer15]

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"

She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"

She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moon child?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

The Mom paused and then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”

[solksjaer15]

Guy and girl meet at the Bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed an gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom. The guy walks in starts to undress an stops with just his shorts on, he reaches into his pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her. She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for ....are you some kinda pervert?"



He looks at at her, drops his shorts, and smiles kinda sexy. She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees.

She then hears him say, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere baby".

[solksjaer15]

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup.

Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

[solksjaer15]

Seven wise men, creative and fine, created a pussy to their own design.

First was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a chisel and hammer, he gave it a hole.

Second was a butcher, quick with his wit, with a steak knife he gave it a slit.

Third was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without.

Fourth was a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet he lined it within.

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

Sixth was a preacher, his name was McGee, he blessed it and touched it and said it could pee.

Seventh was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a C#NT!

[solksjaer15]

A young man finally agrees to meet the parents of the young woman he's been dating.

But by the time he gets to their house, his nerves have put him in a state of gastric distress.

The problem develops into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through dinner he realizes he can't hold it in a second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escapes.

"Spot!" the girlfriend's mother calls to the family dog, who is lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved that the dog took the blame, he lets a slightly larger one slip out.

"Spot!" she calls sharply. The young man thinks he's got it made and decides to let a big one go, which he believes will put an end to his problem.

"Spot!!!" shrieks the mother. "Get over here before he craps on you!"

[solksjaer15]

Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"

"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.
"How did you get so smart?"

Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember," says Lena.

"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."

[solksjaer15]

A little boy was being bad in class and the teacher asked to see him after school. He stayed there and was sundenly puting moves on the teacher. The teacher hasnt had any in a while so they start to have sex. Whlie they were doing it the Johnnys family came in. The mom screams, "JOHNNY DEEPER!!". The dad screams, "JOHNNY DEEPER!!!!". The sister walks in and goes , "JOHNNY DEEPER, JOHNNY DEEPER, JOHNNY DEEPER!!!!". He screams, "IM TRY'N, IM TRY'N!!"