Drinking jokes

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POLITICS EXPLAINED



A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

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CONDOM-MINIMUM



A father and his son go into the drug store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."

Nodding agreement, the son asks his father, "Then what's the 6 pack for?"

"That's for when you're in college," the father says. "You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

Following this line of logic, the son enthusiastically asks what the 12 pack is for.

"That's for when you're married, son. You have one for January, one for February, one for March..."

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WHERE BABIES COME FROM



One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl then explained, "Well ... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes and the daddy's wiener stands way up high and the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth, and then the mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that's where babies come from."

The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from ... that's where jewelry comes from."

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ROSEBUDS



There was a young woman who lived with her grandmother. One night the granddaughter came bouncing down the stairs dressed to go out to a party wearing a see through blouse without a bra. Her grandmother told her to go back up stairs and "dress decent."

The young woman said, "No, I want to show off my rosebuds" and went out the door.

The next day the granddaughter came outside to find her grandmother on the porch wearing the see through blouse without a bra.

"Grandmother!! What are you doing? My boyfriend and a couple of other friends are coming over any time now!" she cried. "Please go change your blouse, I'm so embarrassed!!"

The older woman replied, "Well if you can show off your rosebuds then I can show off my hanging baskets."

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DINGERS



Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

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WHAT'S FOR DINNER?



Once a young boy was watching his mother take a bath. As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks, "Momma, what are those?"

She replies, "Son, those are my breasts."

As she turns he back to him he asks, "Momma, what is that?"

She replies, "Son, that is my derriere."

As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks, "Momma, what is that?"

She replies, "That, son, is none of your business!"

Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from work hungry. The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mom, "Hey honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "None of your business."

The son shaking his head says, "YUCK!"

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BODY LANGUAGE



A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and pours a glass of water over her ass. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After another ten minutes, the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws another glass of water over her ass. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids.

No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date. The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room.

At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."

After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water over her behind."

"I see," says the girl, "What happened then?"

"Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick under each eye lid."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice.

"It's easily explained. Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, screw him. I'm watching the match.'"

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THE VIRGIN BIRTH




A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

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IMPORTANT NEWS



A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

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HAM & CHEESE



This man and this woman share a bunk bed with their son. The man and woman sleep on the top and the kid sleeps on the bottom. One night when the kid is asleep, the parents climb to their bed. The man says to the woman, "Say ham when you want it harder, say cheese when you want it softer."

All through the night the kid hears, "HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese, HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese!"

When the kid wakes up the next morning, he tells his mother, "Mommy, you got to stop making those ham and cheese sandwiches at night cause I end up getting mayonnaise all over me!"