Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

Confidentially......
adult

A young lady had just visited her doctor and he had informed her that she was pregnant.

She had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share her good news with someone.

The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone with whom to share her happiness. "Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone, or I'll bust." She told him that the doctor had told her she was pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer, and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs.

He was so happy.

He added, "But confidentially, I changed cocks."

The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially......me, too."

[sahil_india_boy]

Confession
adult

Nuns are admitted to heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well, " says the first nun in line "I did once, just touched the tip of a penis with the tip of my finger, you know, just a little touch."

"O.K." says St. Peter,"DIP YOUR FINGER IN THE HOLY WATER and pass on into heaven."

The next nun admits that

"Well yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged and sort of rubbed the penis a bit you know."

"O.K." says St. Peter," RINSE YOUR HANDS IN HOLY WATER and pass on into heaven.

Suddenly, there is some jostling in the line, and one of the nuns is trying to push into the front of the line.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, St. Peter" says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line. "If I'm going to have to gargle the holy water, I want to do it before Sister Theresa sticks her ass in it!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Chinese Detective
adult

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:
You Leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she Leave house.
I follow. He and she get on train.
I follow. He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree, Look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
He play with she.
I play with me
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.

[sahil_india_boy]

Budgeting
adult

An up and coming lawyer was informed that he was going to have to get a 30% cut in his salary. Later that evening he was discussing, with his wife, some ways in which they could trim some of the fat in their budget.

"Honey," he said, "if you could learn to prepare a few meals, we could get rid of the cook."

"Well dear," she replied,"If you could learn to fuck, we could fire the gardner."

[sahil_india_boy]

Brunette Jokes
adult

-Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
It doesn't show the dirt.

-Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price

-Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

-Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.

-Why is the color brunette considered evil?
When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?

-Why do brunettes wear training bras?
It's cheaper than changing their Band-Aids every day.

-Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls?
Parents felt the dandruff might be contagious.

-What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A hostage.

-How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
Startled.

-Why did God create brunettes?
So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.

-What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.

[sahil_india_boy]

Blonde Jokes
adult

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
A: Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket?
A. A rebel without a clue!

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A space invader.

Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third grade.

Q: What did the blonde get on her IQ test?
A: Saliva.

[sahil_india_boy]

Birth of the divorce attorney
adult

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu.

And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and uponreturning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

[sahil_india_boy]

Benefit of Being a Woman
adult

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

4. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

6. Taxis stop for us.

7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

8. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).

9. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

10. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.

11. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

12. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

13. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.

14. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

17. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

19. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

20. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

21. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

22. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

Send this to five bright women you know and make their day.

[sahil_india_boy]

Bears in bars
adult

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says,

"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

"We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

[sahil_india_boy]

Bad Day
adult

There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."