+++ Jokes, Cooking +++

[soultan.m]

Quick! Get the Fire Extinguisher


I am not such a great cook. Anyway, one morning I decided to surprise my fiance and my twin daughters by cooking each of their favorite breakfasts. That was the biggest mistake of the day. The stove ended up catching fire and I panicked and woke my fiance up and he's there butt naked using the fire extinguisher to put out the fire. He likes to sleep in the buff. But the sight was hilarious.

[soultan.m]

How do you like your shoe leather


This is a true story. I had just started working at a local resturant, when one night we got an order for a well done steak. The grill man cooked up the steak well done and sent it out to the customer, who sent it back saying "It is not done enough". So the grill man put the steak back on the grill and put several steel plates on top of it to squeeze all the juice out of it, and sent it back out to the customer. The customer sent it back twice more still insisting that it was not done enough. By this time the grill cook was mad so he stuck the steak in the deepfryer for several minutes wiped off the oil and sent it back out to the customer. The customer sent him a $10 dollar tip and said it was the best steak he had ever had. True Story.

[soultan.m]

The Pork Chops


One night I was going to cook pork chops for dinner and wanted to try out a new reciepe. I looked in one of my cookbooks and found one for pork chops and rice. The recipe called for one 16oz can of stewed tomatoes, but I didn't have any stewed tomatoes. I did have two cans of salsa,each was about 7oz, so I used those in place of the tomatoes. I added 3 cups of water trying to cut out some of the spicyness of the salsa. Needless to say the pork chops were so spicy that my husband got up and threw the entire dish out and asked me never to cook those ever again!

[soultan.m]

crock pot beef


My sister was flying through my town the other day with her new fiance. I hadn't seen her in a year or so and she asked me to make "italian beef" in the crockpot. She loves the stuff and it was her fiance's favorite. I put all the ingredients in before work and wouldn't see it again until i picked up my sis at the airport. i have been cooking for a long time, so i made sure that the lid was on snuggly and that the pot was plugged in. i made sure i didn't forget anything. before i went to work i even double checked to see if the crock pot was warm...everything was fine. i was so excited when i saw my sis and her soon to be husband...i couldn't wait to get home to the aromas of slow cooked beef and spices..plus they were starving to death and couldn't wait. when i opened the door to the house...immediately i new i had failed. no smell. no lovely aroma of fresh basil and oregano. i ran to the kitchen and the crockpot was hot, the light was on, but the removeable dish insert was sitting nice as you please on the counter next to the crock heating element...lid was secure...all ingredients waiting to be cooked. we had chinese.

[soultan.m]

A meat loaf that loafed


As a newlywed, I had never cooked before. Because of our limited budget a meatload seemed to be the likely selection of the day.I phoned my cousin who had been an army cook as asked him for the recipe. He gave me the old standby with oatmeal added. The notion of eating anything with uncooked oatmeal never crossed my mind. I cooked the oatmeal before adding it to the meat mixture.When I tried to shape it into a loaf it stubornly refused to stand up. I cut up cardboard into strips and fastened that around the mixture with string. Then baked it in the oven according to my cousins' directions. This entree was proudly served on a platter. When the string was cut, the meat "loaf" promptly collapsed. We ate it with a spoon.

[soultan.m]

Gelfilte Fish Story


Many times I have been upset by people who seem to think that gefilte fish is some kind of mixture you make in the kitchen rather than one of Hashem's creatures. This has led me to explain exactly what a gefilte fish is. So once again> here goes. Each year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located Upatate New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains) is thin enough to break the surface, Frum fishermen set out to "catch" gefilte fish. Now unlike your normal fish, gefilte fish can not be caught with a rod and a reel or your standard bait.

The art of catching gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe thousands of years. For all I know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching. I'm sure that the Great Rambam (Maimonides) when he wasn't busy playing doctor> spent his leisure time G/F fishing. Enough already, you say, so how is it done? Well you go up to the edge of lake with some Matzoh. Now this is very important!! It has to be Shmurah Matzoh or the fish will not be attracted. You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say "here boy", "here boy". The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzoh They come in mass to the edge of the lake where they jump into the jars and are bottled on the spot. Again you must remember that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong and the weak. The weak are your> standard fish which are in a loose "broth" (it is actually the lake water). Now the strong are special. They seem to be in a "jell". These fish are actually imported from the Middle East where they are caught in the dead sea. They have to be strong to be able to swim through that "jell".

Last year a well meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, "Reb, shouldn't they be saying Here Boychic". I didn't have the heart to tell him, Boychic is a Yiddish word and Gefilte Fish don't understand Yiddish! Only Hebrew and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to whether to use the Hebrew or English in the US. With a big break from tradition, shockingly the English is accepted by almost all G/F fishermen. Some still insist on using the Hebrew and consider the use of "Here Boy" as Reform and not Halachicly acceptable. However the Congress of OU Rabbis (who have to be present at the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept "here boy"! The time of the catch is very important! The fish can not be caught before Purim is over or the fish are considered Chametz! Besides the fish know when Pesach is coming and will not respond to the Matzoh before the proper> time.

I am still a little bothered by which end of the fish is the head and which the tail (not to mention that I am not sure where their eyes are). This is a small price to pay the luxury of eating this delicacy. Have you ever had the baby G/F? Oy, they are so cute that I feel a little guilty eating them! Have a great Pesach and hope that the Matzoh doesn't affect you like Pepto Bismol or worse yet, prunes! Shalom, Reb Sherry MORE STORY Oy,I forgot to mention about the fish swimming up stream. I didn't think it was that important, but I have got this Yenta sitting next to me that is married to some machugina dentist from some hick town that keeps hocking me in chinic "they swim up stream , they swim up stream".

Alright so I had to get her off mine cup. Go away > Yenta and mind your own business. If you don't like the way I tell the story, tell it yourself. You know I think that I just discovered the definition of a Jewish wife. It's someone that nudges you to do something and then when you finally do it just to get them off your back, they become mavins and tell you how you should have done it! OK not all Jewish wives just the one who has been sitting next to me for almost 23 years! Shalom, Reb Sherry

[soultan.m]

Beginner Cook


Are you a cook? Neither am I.
When dinner comes I only sigh,
Wake up the phone and his book
And let somebody be my cook.

A pizza is a trusty meal,
A color frantic tasty wheel.
It disappears in your friends
And lets the party never end.

But cooking is a tempting craft
And gazing down the oven's shaft
I start to wonder if I can
Create a dinner in a pan.

The cooking magic I will work!
No more I'll be a takeout dork!
I'll prove the world what I can be!
I'll make a meal for you and me.

Into the kitchen with brave strides
I walk like wolf, who danger bides.
And looking back to high school days
I recollect my mother's ways.

Spaghetti? Oh, that sounds good!
I grab the package where I stood.
Potatoes I shall add to that.
They'll make it better, so I bet.

My mother always said to add
the veggies, but they make me mad.
To top it off I think I'll put
some oil in (I heard I should)

I say a prayer, turn the knob,
And a blue flame begins to sob.
It's magic, that's why it's so blue.
It makes my tasty dinner stew.

It starts to boil soon enough,
And bubbles make the oil rough.
And lo-'n-behold it starts to burn
Just when it knows my back is turned.

I quickly knew something was wrong
When my stew's smell became too strong.
But no fear, my dear friends,
God blessed me with intelligence.

All fires are quenched by water thrown,
That's one sure thing I've always known.
So thinking quick I pour some in
And see a frightening thing begin.

A fiery face came to my eyes,
It must be Satan in disguise!
It grabbed the stove in fire's grasp!
Behind I heard a frightened gasp.

What happened next I won't describe,
But threaten death, or give a bribe,
Or loose a lion in my den.
But never shall I cook again!!!

[soultan.m]

Newly Married Cooking Story


My favorite cooking disaster was when my husband and I were newly married. I am Italian and Polish, he is Puerto Rican. My mother in law had made us the most delicious meal of ethnic food which included rice and beans, my husbands favorite. I told how much I liked it so she showed me how to make the beans from scratch. A few days later I bought everything I needed and started to cook to surprise my husband. I did everything I was showed. I soaked the beans the correct amount of time, I got the seasonings just right and I let them simmer the appropriate amount of time. I made the rice and everything smelled great. My husband came home and smelled his favorite meal and was very impressed that I learned how to cook it so quickly! We sat down to eat and I watched as he tried the food... He smiled and told me it was very good then I tried mine. It was horrible! It tasted like I had scraped something I had stepped in off my shoe and put it over the rice. (I still don't know what I did wrong!) My husband trying to be sweet and not hurt my feelings was eating like he was enjoying it. I finally had to grab the plate from him and scrape it into the garbage and I made him promise to tell me the truth whenever I ever asked him about a meal again. We ended up ordering a pizza, I think I saved his life that night! So now when we want rice and beans we visit someone who can make them!

[soultan.m]

Popcorn Balls


My girlfriend and I were going to make Popcorn Balls for a Halloween Party we were going to. So we got the recipe, and started to read it. 3 cup of popcorn! So I measured out 3 cups of UN-popped corn and started POPPING. We had every bowl in the house full of Popped corn. Then we started making the sauce to put on it. A very small pot! After looking at it we knew it would not cover all this popped corn! Then to add insult to injury, her mother can home and started laughing, and told us it was Popped Popcorn! So I changed the recipe to say that. How were we supposed to know? But the good side is the Dog loves Popcorn!!!

[soultan.m]

First attempt at Fried Rice


My first attempt at Fried Rice was a disaster. I had made the rice 1-½ cups of rice. Now they never said Cooked Rice. So we will start there. I cooked the rice and added it to the Wok with the sauce, and started to cook. Well to put it nicely, I had burned rice with soy sauce! My Dog would not even eat it!