Hillarious Come in and Njoy this Festival.Best Jokes(PART 2)

[karthikjj]

mods are always great.they are meant for thes great posts

regards
jj

[solksjaer15]

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.

She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again--the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules.

Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs--she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

[solksjaer15]

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

"I have great news, I 'm a month overdue. I think we are going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from BSES (Bombay Suburban Electricity
Supply) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma ?

Yes...... speaking

BSES guy, "You! re a month overdue, you know!"

How do YOU know? stammers the young woman.

Well, maam, its in our files! says the BSES guy .

What are you saying? Its in your files ..... HOW?

Yes, We have a system of finding out whos overdue

GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.

Madam, I am sorry...... I am following order, I have to inform you are overdue I know that let me talk to my husband about this tonight, he will speak to your company tomorrow

That night, she tells her! husband about the visit, and he mad as a bull, rushes to BSES
office the next day morning.

Whats going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours? the husband shouts.

Just calm down, says the lady at the reception at BSES, its nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.

PAY you? and if I refuse?

Well, in that case, sir, we have no option but to cut yours off.

And what would my wife do then? the husband asks.

I dont know. I guess ! she would have to use a candle!!!

[solksjaer15]

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

[jamesbrook]

YEZX IT REALLY HILARIOUZX.
NICE ONEE
POO0ST MO0O0RE.

[solksjaer15]

Sneaky Burglar

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You’ll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!"

[solksjaer15]

The standard of batting in the local side was very low. Even at the net practice, they couldn’t hit a thing. Finally, the captain rushed forward and grabbed the bat.

’Now bowl me some fast ones!’ he yelled.

Six fast balls came down in quick succession and the captain missed them all.

Not to be put off he glared at the team and shouted, ’Now that’s what you’re all doing. Get in there and hit them!’

[solksjaer15]

Age Disadvantage

A gray haired Ivy league genuis professor played a game of Chess with an unknown opponent on the Internet. He played all educated and experienced moves and after long grueling battle lost to a very intelligent and worthy opponent.

Conceding and admiringly, he asked the opponent thru message board on the screen, �How old are you?�

The opponent sent message back, �I am Fourteen, sir. How old are you?�

The professor with blushed embarrassed face writes back, �I am Twelve."

[solksjaer15]

Politically Correct Office Communication

To All Employees

It has been brought to the management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees.

Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. The management does however realize the importance of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, management has compiled the following code phrases, so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

Old Phrase New Phrase

-------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

No fucking way. I’m not certain that’s feasible.

You’ve gotta be shitting me. Really?

Tell someone who gives a fuck. Perhaps you should check with...

Ask me if I give a fuck. Of course I’m concerned.

What the fuck... I wasn’t involved with that project.

Fuck it. It won’t work. Interesting behavior.

Who the fuck cares? Are you sure it’s a problem?

He’s got his head up his ass. He’s not familiar with the problem.

Eat shit. You don’t say?

Eat shit and die. Excuse me?

Eat shit and die, motherfucker. Excuse me, sir?

Kiss my ass. So you like my help with it?

Fuck it. I’m on salary. I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.

Shove it up your ass. I don’t think you understand.

This job sucks. I love a challenge.

Who the hell died and made you boss? You want *me* to take care of *this*?

Blow me. I see.

Blow yourself. Do you see?

Another fucking meeting. Yes, we should discuss this.

I really don’t give a shit. I don’t think that it will be a problem.

Why the fuck didn’t you see me sooner? I’ll try to schedule this sooner.

When the fuck am I supposed to do this? Perhaps I can work late.

Fuck you How nice, how very nice.

[solksjaer15]

A sardarji once went to america. He toured the entire united states and before returning he visited Washington D.C to hear John F. Kennedy’s speech.

During his speech Kennedy told the crowd that he had slept with only one other woman than his wife and challenged the crowd to guess who she was. When the crowd gave up he promptly told that it was his mother. The crowd went wild and the surd was very impressed.

When he came back a party was thrown in honor of him and he was asked to give a speech, He remembered kennedy’s speech and he told the crowd that he had slept with only one woman other than his wife and challenged the people to guess who the person was.

When the crowd gave up the surd said, Kennedy’s mother.