Drinking jokes

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Is this 854-7039?
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

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Most obedient
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "You do, Daddy!"

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Garbage collector
A father is asked by his friend, "Has your little boy decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

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Six year old boy
A six year old boy told his father that he and little Mary next door were going to get married.

His dad asked where they would live, he replied that he and Mary had talked it over and they would live in the tree house his father had built.

Dad asked where will you get money to buy food, he replied that they talked it over and decided that if they pooled their allowances they would have money for food.

Dad asked what are you going to do if you have children, he replied that he and Mary had talked it over and agreed that if she laid any eggs, he would step on them.

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Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!
I was nervous the night my husband and I brought our three young sons to an upscale restaurant for the first time.

My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the server brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.

She poured a small amount for me to taste, and then our six-year-old piped up, "Mom usually drinks a lot more than that!"

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Wrong number
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

'Wow!' said her father, 'That was short. You usually talk for two hours and more!. What happened?'

'Wrong number...' replied the girl.

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Good news
Ever notice how a 4 year old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 A.M., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, there were hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers, also.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

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Talking about others
Young mother was riding the bus with her four year old boy when he suddenly blurted out so that everyone in the bus could hear, "Look mom, see that man's nose, it looks soooo funny!"

The mother was quite embarrassed and scolded her son. Then she whispered to him that if there was something he wanted to say about someone then he had to wait until they got home or at least where nobody could hear them, so that nobody would be sad.

A moment later the boy blurted out in the same loud voice, "Look mom, we've got to talk about that big fat lady when we get home!"

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Recognize me?
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

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Dry cleaners
My sister and I spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans. No matter where we went, we were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to irritate us.

One day, in Paris, my sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was looking through and very abruptly asked if he could help her.

My sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.

Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop.

As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read 'Dry Cleaners.'