Drinking jokes

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Coming home for Thanksgiving
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'

'Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, we're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,' and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

'Okay,' he says, 'They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares ... Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

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When Abraham Lincoln was your age
One night a pastor was attempting to get his 14-year old son to study for a test. He said, "Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 14 miles in the snow to get to school and every night, he came home and studied and did his homework for the next day."

To this his son replied, "Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States of America."

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God bless Mommy
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was so scared he practically soiled himself. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

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Three kids boasting about their dads
Three kids get into boasting about their dads.

'My dad is so fast that he can shoot an arrow and then run himself to catch the arrow!', said one of the kids.

'My dad is even faster - he can shoot a deer and run ahead of the bullet to catch it as it is coming out from the other side of the animal', said the second child.

'That's nothing. My dad is a civil servant. His off-time at his office is 4:30 P.M. but he is home at 3:30 P.M.!' said the third.

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What's for supper?
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the deer meat for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is. So he doesn't tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad?" "You'll see", he replies.

They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating. "Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me." .

His daughter screams... "Don't eat it Jimmy! It's an asshole!"

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What's for supper?
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the deer meat for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is. So he doesn't tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad?" "You'll see", he replies.

They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating. "Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me." .

His daughter screams... "Don't eat it Jimmy! It's an asshole!"

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It's time to go to school!
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!'

'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'

'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'

'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!'

'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.'

'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'

'Well, for one, you're 42 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!'

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Daughter's birthday present
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, 'How much is that Barbie doll in the window?'

In a condescending manner, she says 'Which Barbie?' She continues, 'We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.'

Ralph asks, 'Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?'

'That's obvious,' the sales lady says. 'Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture. ...

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Is this 854-7039?
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

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Most obedient
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "You do, Daddy!"