Drinking jokes

[COPTICCIN]

Talking Dog for Sale
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

[COPTICCIN]

The mightiest animal in the jungle
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, steps on it, and ambled away.

The lion hollered after the elephant, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so annoyed."

[COPTICCIN]

Female gorilla
A wild life park outside of College Station had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very 'in the mood,' and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time intern from nearby Texas A&M, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.

Ed, like most Aggies, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer but only under three conditions:

'First,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this.'

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

'Well,' said Ed, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.'

[COPTICCIN]

Dead mule
A Texas boy moved to Louisiana and bought a mule from an old farmer. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died.'

'Well, then, just give me my money back.'

'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

'OK, then. Just unload the mule.'

'What ya gonna do with him?'

'I'm going to raffle him off.'

'You can't raffle off a dead mule!'

'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later the farmer met up with the Texan and asked, 'Whatever happened with that dead mule?'

'I raffled him off. I sold fifty tickets at two dollars apiece and made a ninety-eight dollar profit.

'Didn't anyone complain?'

'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

[COPTICCIN]

Three mice at a bar
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this. I've got a date with the cat."

[COPTICCIN]

Praise the Lord
A cowboy bought a beautiful new horse. The salesman told him that the horse's former owner had been a famous preacher.

"This horse is very religious," said the salesman. "And he only responds to special commands. For instance, instead of saying 'Giddy Up', you say 'Praise the Lord'. And instead of saying 'Whoa', you say 'Hallelujah'. Got that?"

"Praise the Lord and Hallelujah," nodded the cowboy.

Weeks later, the cowboy was riding through unfamiliar territory. Gorges and cliffs fell hundreds of feet on either side of the trail. The cowboy wanted to stop and take a rest, but he confused the two words the salesman had taught him.

"Praise the Lord," the cowboy said, but the horse kept on galloping faster and faster. The cowboy saw that the trail up ahead ended in a dangerous cliff. He tugged and pulled at the reins even harder and yelled "Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!" but the horse continued to race toward the cliff.All at once, the cowboy remembered the right word.

"Hallelujah!" he cried. The horse immediatly stopped, mere inches from the crumbling edge of the cliff. The cowboy breathed a sigh of relief and pulled off his hat, wiping the dust from his eyes.

"Praise the Lord," he said.

[COPTICCIN]

The gorilla
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

'Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?' the service guy asks.

'Boy,' is the man's response. 'Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there,' says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some structions:

'Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.'

The man asks, 'What do I do with the shotgun?'

The service guy replies, 'If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.

[COPTICCIN]

Bad dog!
Once there was a man named Jim, who let his dog out to relieve himself late one night. He watched some TV, and then remembered to let the dog back in. When he opened the door, he was shocked at what he saw! In his dog's mouth was his neighbor's cat, dead! "Bad dog! BAD DOG!", said the panicked man.

He took the cat away and looked at it. He couldn't bring himself to tell his neighbor what happened, so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the neighbour's porch. He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood and dirt.

It took him forever. He had to wash it four times to get it all cleaned. He brushed it's beautiful white fur as he blow dried it, and put it's collar back on. Since it was so dark, he snuck into the neighbor's yard, and laid the cat down on the porch, in front of the door.

The next day, he was on his way to the car to go to work and his neighbor was outside.

"Hi," he said. "Hi," replied Jim, nervously. His neighbor said, "something weird happened last night."

"Oh yeah? What's that," asked Jim, sweating now.

"Well, my cat died yesterday, and we buried him, and this morning he was lying on my front porch!"

[indianbaba]

you are rocking the jokes forum.
Keep sharing.
Cheers

[COPTICCIN]

Duke!
Joe met his girlfriend's parents for the first time at their house over dinner. After the meal, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the Joe's chair. Unfortunately, after the hearty meal, Joe really had to fart. He stealthily let out a slow, barely audible, fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" thought Joe. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. Joe thought he was home free so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before Joe craps on you!"