Drinking jokes

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The Burglar
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a stupid name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

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The Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat."

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

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Dogs And Men
How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

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Pet Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"

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Gorilla Catcher
One day a frightened homeowner called the zoo and said, " There's a huge gorilla in my tree in the front yard!".

The zoo keeper new of the escape and had already prepared for the capture. The zoo keeper arrived in no time flat.

He said to the homeowner, " Stay calm. I know what to do, but I need your help." With that he went to his van and retrieved the gorilla capturing tools: one pair of handcuffs, 45 automatic handgun, and a German shepherd named ROSCO.

The zoo keeper said to the homeowner," I'm going to climb up the tree and shake that gorilla down. When he falls, ROSCO will bite him in the balls. The gorilla will grab for his balls, and you handcuff him."

He then starts to climb up the tree when the homeowner yells up to him," what do I do with the gun?" The zoo keeper yells back down," If the gorilla shakes me out the tree, SHOOT ROSCO!!"

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Golden Frog
A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when they come across a golden frog. They think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he is a magical frog, and doesn't often meet other residents of the forest, but when he does, he grants them three wishes each.

The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. The frog immediately grants this wish. The rabbit, after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his head.

The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish. He asks that all the bears in the neighboring forests be female as well. This wish is also fulfilled. The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle. It appears before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine.

The bear cannot believe it. He remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes. Then, shaking his head, he makes his final wish, "I wish that all the other bears in the world be female as well." The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.

The rabbit thinks for a second, then revs up the engine and says, "I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can!

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The lion
In the poor zoo of India, a lion was so much frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day. The lion thought it's prayers were answered when one of Saudi Arabia Zoo Manager visits the zoo and requests the zoo management to shift the lion to the Sauid Arabia Zoo.

The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c environment, a goat or two every day and a Saudia residence permit also. On it's first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast. The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few peanuts. Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India.

The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of peanuts was delivered. The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him, "Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's wrong with your management? what nonsense is this? why are you delivering peanuts to me?" The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but ...err... did you know that you have been brought here on a " monkey's visa.

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Snails picnic
A family of snails head off for a Thanks- giving picnic. Two weeks later they arrive at a picturesque location beside a river with trees all around.

As little Johnny snail and his sister Clancy play, mother snail sets up the picnic table, and realizes she has left the traditional turkey at home. She reveals the mistake to father snail, who has a think. "This is a Thanksgiving picnic and we should have turkey! I'll send Johnny home to get it", decides father snail.

Father snail calls Johnny over and tells him to go and get the turkey. Johnny hesitates a bit and complains that the rest of the family will start eating the other food while Johnny is getting the turkey. Father assures him that they won't touch a bite while Johnny is gone. With that Johnny leaves.

One week goes by... Two weeks go by... Three weeks go by... Four weeks go by...

Clancy snail starts complaining that she is hungry. Father tells her "no one touches any food until Johnny gets back".

Five weeks go by... Six weeks go by... By this time everyone is really hungry (and worried about Johnny), but father sticks to his promise.

Ten weeks go by... The family are looking anorexic. Mother says "Just one little cracker? Please, can I just eat one little cracker". Father still says no.

Twelve weeks... Fourteen weeks...

Finally father snail decides that one cracker each will be ok (after all they are starving). As they take their first bite of the cracker, little Johnny jumps out from behind some bushes and says: "Ahhhaaa!!! I knew you would start eating without me!!!!"

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Parrot
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, 'And get me a coke, you cow!' The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls 'And get me another coke dogface!' Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach. 'I've asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat!'

The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, 'For someone who can't fly, you've got guts!'

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Two hungry bats
One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"

"Yes," the other bat replied.

"Well, I didn't."