Drinking jokes

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Parrot and the bull dog
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishÂ*washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

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A contribution
A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

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Talking parrot
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making.

Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, 'Darling, you get on top and I'll try.' That didn't work.

Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, 'Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try.' Still no success.

Then he said, 'Look. Let's both get on top and try.'

At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, 'Zoo or no zoo, this, I gotta see!'

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Exam
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The CORRECT answer: Open the refrigerator door, put the giraffe in, and close the door. (This question tests whether or not you do simple things in a complicated way.)

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? The WRONG answer: Open the refrigerator, put the elephant in, and close the door. The CORRECT answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the elephant in, and close the door. (This question tests your prudence and practicality.)

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals except one attend. Which one does not attend? The CORRECT answer: The elephant. The elephant is still in the refrigerator and cannot open the door from the inside. (This question tests whether or not you have comprehensive thinking skills.)

If you did not answer correctly the first three questions, this next question is your last chance to show your qualification to be a professional.

4. There is a river inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage to pass it? The CORRECT answer: Swim through it. All of the animals, including the crocodiles, are attending the conference (except the elephant, of course).

Don't be frustrated if you failed this test. According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, about 90% of the professionals failed the exam. However, most preschoolers got it correct, this disproving the popular theory that most "professionals" have the brains of a four-year old.

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Bees
A man and a woman are standing side by side waiting for a bus when they start talking.

'Say,' said the woman. 'Do you have a hobby?'

'Yeah, I'm a bee keeper.'

'Well, you must live in the country then.'

'Nope, right here in the city.'

'Really? You must have a large house then.'

'Nope, apartment.'

'Geez, where do you keep them?'

'In a shoe box in my closet.'

'A shoe box? How many bees do you have?'

'Couple thousand, something like that.'

'Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!'

'I hate bees.'

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FAA's chicken launcher
The US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they were developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired.

The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer's chair and imbedded itself in the back wall of the engine's cab.

The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation. USE A THAWED CHICKEN...!!!

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Liar sheep
While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation.

Cowboy: 'Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?

Indian: 'Dog no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'

Dog: 'Doin' alright.'

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: 'Is this Indian your owner?' Pointing at the Indian.

Dog: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Indian: Look of disbelief.

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Indian: 'Horse no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Good.'

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?' Pointing at the Indian.

Horse: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How does he treat you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.'

Indian: Complete look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Indian: 'Sheep liar.'

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Choked
A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, 'Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?'

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, 'It's my dog. Why?'

'Well,' squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, 'I believe my dog just killed it, sir.'

'What?' roared the big man in disbelief. 'What in the hell kind of dog do you have?'

'Sir,' answered the little man, 'It's a four week old puppy.'

'Bull!' roared the biker, 'How could your puppy kill my Doberman?'

'It appears that he choked on it, sir.'

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Talking Dog for Sale
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

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The mightiest animal in the jungle
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, steps on it, and ambled away.

The lion hollered after the elephant, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so annoyed."