Priest Jokes ---- Have lot of fun ---- (A)

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Husband's Last Request


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...

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A pastor walks into a pub


A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom.

The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor.

As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked "May I
please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in
there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs,
and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping
with music and dancing again!

He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came
in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room
became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is
hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink
too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on
the statue, the lights go out in the whole place.

Now, how about a drink?"

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Television Preacher


This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV
one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to
share my healing powers with everyone watching this program.

Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body
which ails you & I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one
hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top
of the TV. and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick,
not raising the dead."

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The New Priest


There was once a newly ordained priest who joined the staff of a large,
well-to-do parish. His boss, the senior priest, had been there for many
years and was steeped in wisdom. The young priest was very full of himself,
having taken a number of prizes for preaching in seminary. He was
particularly proud of his efforts in the pulpit.

Indeed, he said to his boss one day, "Father, there is not a subject in
the world that I could not, at the drop of a hat, find a Biblical text for
and then be able to preach a sermon." The senior priest decided to put his
young charge to the test.

"Well, my boy," he said, "don't you be preparing any sermon for mass
next Sunday. Instead, when you get into the pulpit you will find a
sealed envelope which I will have put there. Inside the envelope there
will be a single sheet of paper on which I will have written a one word
topic. I defy you to find any kind of text that will fit."

The young priest looked forward to the test with relish. The day came.
He ascended the stairs into the pulpit. His boss was squirming with
anticipation. The young man opened the envelope, glanced at the sheet of
paper on which was written the one word, "CONSTIPATION", and proclaimed:
"And Moses took the two tablets and went off down the mountain....."

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Little Johnny's New Bicycle


Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle.

His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he
acts.

She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to
just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a
letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."

After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat
down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new
bicycle.
Your Friend, Johnny

Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a rat), so
he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly, Johnny

Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried
again.

Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a
bicycle?
Johnny

Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his
mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of
almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and
went running out of the house.

He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his
parents and really considered his actions.

He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went
inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really
do.

Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at
all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary
and ran out the door.

He went home, hid the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a
bike.

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Jesus' Ethnicity

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus.
Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate
on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence.............

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:

1. His first name was Jesus

2. He was bilingual

3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that.....

JESUS WAS BLACK

1. He called everybody "brother"

2. He liked Gospel

3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS JEWISH

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother
was sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS ITALIAN

1. He talked with his hands

2. He had wine with every meal

3. He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN

1. He never cut his hair

2. He walked around barefoot

3. He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS IRISH

1. He never got married

2. He was always telling stories

3. He loved green pastures

But perhaps the most compelling evidence .........

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN .....

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when
there was no food

2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch
of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT

3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because
there was more work for him to do.

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Accounting For Lost Time

An accountant dies and goes to heaven.

He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving
banners and chanting his name.

After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, "I'm sorry I
wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting
such a remarkable man as yourself."

The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am
overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.

"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are.
Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young," says St.
Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what
you mean. I'm only 40."

St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"

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Married Man's Confession


A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair
with a woman - almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in
the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks
over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to
leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I
saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was
the same as putting it in!

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The Sin of Lying


A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the
sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read
Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister
asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now
proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

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Work, Sex and Play

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is
not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion
on this question.

The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an
exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted
on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to a
minister... a married man, experienced... for the answer.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply..Sex is work
and not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority:
a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge... A Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is
definitely play."

The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many
others tell me sex is work?!"

The Rabbi softly speaks," If sex were work... my wife would have
the maid do it.