Drinking jokes

[COPTICCIN]

Kittens
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.

[COPTICCIN]

Sow hogs
A farmer was trying to breed three sow hogs so he took them into town to the stud hog service. Once the hogs had finished breeding for the day, the stud owner explained, "If you see your hogs rolling in the mud, then they're pregnant. If they're basking in the sun, then the breeding was unsuccessful."

The next morning, the hogs were basking in the sun, so the farmer put them back into the truck and repeat drove back to town. The next day, the farmer noticed the same thing.

His hogs weren't in the mud, rolling around, so he figured they weren't pregnant.

Again, he loaded them into the truck and drove back to the stud service.

The next morning, the farmer couldn't bear to look at his hogs, so he asked his wife, "What are they doing?"

His wife responded, "Well, there's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is the hogs aren't rolling in the mud. The good news is they're already in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn!"

[COPTICCIN]

Three mice
Three mice were sitting in a bar bragging about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot of Bailey’s and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and just as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that, the mouse slams another shot of Bailey’s.

The second mouse slams a shot of Bailey’s and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that, the mouse slams another shot of Bailey’s.

The third mouse slams a shot of Bailey’s, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then ask of the third mouse, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse turns casually and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

[COPTICCIN]

Good and bad whale
A good whale and a bad whale are swimming aimlessly in the middle of the ocean, when one of them notices a whaling ship nearby. "Hey!" says the bad whale. "Let's go ram that ship and sink it!"

"Oh, no! We couldn't do that!" acknowledges the good whale, angellically. The bad whale thinks for a minute... "Well then, let's at least swim in circles around it and spray the people on board."

The good whale agrees reluctantly. They swim over to the boat and spray water from their blow holes. During the commotion, one of the sailors falls overboard.

"Quick!" says the bad whale. "Now's your chance! Go eat him up!"

"Listen buddy," replies the good whale, "I agreed to do the blowjob, but I'm not swallowing any seamen!"

[COPTICCIN]

Choked Doberman
A highly timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx. He cleared his throat and then asked, "Um, err, which one of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his chair, and looked down at the quivering little man. "It's my dog. Who's asking?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed your Doberman, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"A four week old puppy!" roared the biker, "How could your four week old puppy kill my Doberman?"

"Well, it appears that your Doberman choked on it, sir."

[COPTICCIN]

Raisin' porcupines
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner. "What do I owe you?" asked the woman.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people... you're always trying to overcharge us summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being ripped off?"

"Raisin' porcupines, Ma'am."

[COPTICCIN]

Smart dogs
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

The first man, an engineer, had a dog named "T-Square". The second man, an accountant, had a dog named "Slide-Rule". The third man, a chemist, had a dog called "Measure". The fourth man was a Union member. To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk and,
with a pen, promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle onto some paper.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good. The accountant, though, insisted his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide the cookies into four equal piles of three each.

Everyone agreed that too was pretty good. The chemist, though, proclaimed that his dog could do even better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass from the cupboard, and then poured exactly eight ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good, as well. Then, they all turned to the Union member and said, "Hey, pal, what can your dog do?" The Union member stood up, called his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he'd injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation, and then went home on sick leave.

[COPTICCIN]

You don't need a BMW to pick up chicks
A horse and a chicken were playing in a meadow. The horse fell into a mud hole and is started to sink. The horse instructed the chicken to get the farmer so that he could be pulled to safety. The chicken ran to the farm but the farmer was nowhere to be found.

Without a moment to spare, the chicken got into the farmer’s BMW and drove back to the mud hole. Then, the chicken tied some rope around the bumper, threw the other end of the rope to her friend, the horse, and proceeded to pull the horse to safety. A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again. This time around, the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken instructed the horse
to get the farmer so that she could be pulled to safety.

Replied the horse, "Here’s the plan... I’ll stand over the hole..." The horse stretched over the length of the hole and continued, "Now, just grab for my penis and pull yourself to saftey."

The chicken obliged reluctantly and pulled herself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[COPTICCIN]

Cat scan
A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it.

The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog.

The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.

"I don't believe it!" screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330?"

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

[COPTICCIN]

Pet Alligator
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscratched. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of it's head. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".