Drinking jokes

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Polar bear
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow.

The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

"Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

"Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?"

Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing to death out here!"

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Good Ol' Boys
This IT manager works at a manufacturing plant where, he says, friendship is thicker than employment.

"Management has often suspected some of the good ol' boys clocking in their buddies who routinely come in late," he reports. "The union contract specifically stated no surveillance systems are allowed, and management couldn't prove anything until the day one of the gang called in sick shortly after his shift started -- but he was already clocked in!"

Plant boss is at his wits' end. But the manager gets an idea. He's already made friends with one of the plant's more popular workers, who likes to tinker with computers, and fish thinks the guy might be willing to help.

"I was happy to give him obsolete equipment and help him with computer problems, so we'd built a nice rapport," he says. "And he was an honest fellow -- in fact, he was quite upset that the others were stealing from the company.

"So the morning after a long holiday weekend, he went out and stood by the time clock with a laptop and looked up at a dark area of the ceiling 45 feet high. Then he looked at the screen and hit some random keys.

"He did this a few times until he made sure some of the workers noticed him out there, and then went back into the office.

A little while later, the manager sends the worker out to stand by the clock and wave his hand at the ceiling. After a minute or two, he comes out of the office and tells him, "That's great, thanks."

It's not long before other shop workers ask their co-worker what he was doing. "He just replied, 'Oh, nothing,' with a big grin," the manager says. "They said, 'They put in a camera system, didn't they?' to which the worker just replied, 'I don't know what you're talking about.'

"Rumors of a surveillance system spread like wildfire. The union obviously couldn't prove that a camera system was installed, because there never was one.

"And the good ol' boys stopped clocking in their buddies -- because now they thought they'd get caught for sure."

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The door
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications & said, 'We have an opening for people like you.'

'Oh, great,' the man said, 'What is it?'

'It's called the door!'

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Humor in Logos
Beauty Parlor:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!

Rags to Riches Business:
Success is relative
More the success, more the relatives.

Barber Saloon:
We need your heads to run our business.

Police Station:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.

USA Army:
Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorists.
It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and God.

Entrance Ticket Cheaters:
You may Come free, Go free
When caught Food is free

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Picture Perfect
When I had a job at the photo-developing counter of a pharmacy, the film was sometimes developed incorrectly. If this occurred, we did not charge our customers.

Once a man came to pick up his pictures, which were marked $0.00, indicating that not one of them had turned out right. The customer asked to see the photos, and when I noticed the odd splotches of color all over the pictures, I apologized profusely.

"Oh, no, these are fine," he said happily. "I'm a microbiologist. These are my bacteria cultures."

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Successful Waiter
The President of a big corporation decided to take the coffee break in his posh cafeteria and review the workings for a change.

The proud President wanted to impress upon an young boy waiter cleaning the tables, beckoned him with his fingure to come to him and started bragging. He asked, "Boy, how much do you make?"

The boy waiter told him his lowly income.

The big boss asked again, "Do you have any future plans, son?"

The boy nodded, "Sir, one day at a time is my life."

The big boss continued, "Listen boy and remember, when I was your age, I came from the country side as a poor no good bum. No one would employ me. I had no food, no shelter, and was a kicked out as rotten ass. And boy, look what I have today! Cars, houses, money, stocks, bonds, wealth, name recognition, mistresses. And, what do you have, tell me?"

The waiter replies humbly, "Sir, I have what you could no get, a paying Job."

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Interview Rejects
So next time when u go for an inteview be prepared for this question...

Story I
E: Do you have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you!
C: Why?
E: You will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.

Story II
E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider this personal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence.

Story III
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My company
is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

Story IV
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.

Story V
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshoper"! (Job hoper lah!)

Story VI
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: No.
E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.

Story VII
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But, there is no position in his company.
E: Then, what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness will affect our managers' working spirits.
C: But, I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested in you.

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Unbreakable Combs
The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said,

"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..."

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Billboard
The executives of the A1 Steak Sauce Company were impressed with their new billboard.

It showed a handsome-husband-type guy being served a large plate of steak and potatoes seated at a table in what appeared to be a smart restaurant. An attractive, well endowed, young blonde waitress was standing over him, handing him a bottle of A1 sauce.

Originally they had titled the billboard, "What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don't?"

But after complaints from the public, that the ad was too suggestive, they changed the headline.

Now it reads: "He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home?"

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Walmart
A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get ,so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Walmart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She said excuse me sir .... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?

He said ma'am, I am blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, 'That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10lb. testline. It's a good all around rod and reel ,and it's $20.00'.

She said, 'It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it.'

He went behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, 'That will be $25.50'.

She says, 'but didn't you say It was $20.00 ?'

He says, 'Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, the catfish stinkbait is $2.50. All together that's $25.50.'