Drinking jokes

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The door
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications & said, 'We have an opening for people like you.'

'Oh, great,' the man said, 'What is it?'

'It's called the door!'

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Humor in Logos
Beauty Parlor:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!

Rags to Riches Business:
Success is relative
More the success, more the relatives.

Barber Saloon:
We need your heads to run our business.

Police Station:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.

USA Army:
Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorists.
It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and God.

Entrance Ticket Cheaters:
You may Come free, Go free
When caught Food is free

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Picture Perfect
When I had a job at the photo-developing counter of a pharmacy, the film was sometimes developed incorrectly. If this occurred, we did not charge our customers.

Once a man came to pick up his pictures, which were marked $0.00, indicating that not one of them had turned out right. The customer asked to see the photos, and when I noticed the odd splotches of color all over the pictures, I apologized profusely.

"Oh, no, these are fine," he said happily. "I'm a microbiologist. These are my bacteria cultures."

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Successful Waiter
The President of a big corporation decided to take the coffee break in his posh cafeteria and review the workings for a change.

The proud President wanted to impress upon an young boy waiter cleaning the tables, beckoned him with his fingure to come to him and started bragging. He asked, "Boy, how much do you make?"

The boy waiter told him his lowly income.

The big boss asked again, "Do you have any future plans, son?"

The boy nodded, "Sir, one day at a time is my life."

The big boss continued, "Listen boy and remember, when I was your age, I came from the country side as a poor no good bum. No one would employ me. I had no food, no shelter, and was a kicked out as rotten ass. And boy, look what I have today! Cars, houses, money, stocks, bonds, wealth, name recognition, mistresses. And, what do you have, tell me?"

The waiter replies humbly, "Sir, I have what you could no get, a paying Job."

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Interview Rejects
So next time when u go for an inteview be prepared for this question...

Story I
E: Do you have a boyfriend?
C: I have.
E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you!
C: Why?
E: You will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.

Story II
E: Any girl friends?
C: No.
E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.
E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider this personal issue.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?
E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence.

Story III
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?
E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My company
is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.

Story IV
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she pretty?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.
E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.

Story V
E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.
E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshoper"! (Job hoper lah!)

Story VI
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: No.
E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.

Story VII
E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.
E: Is he rich?
C: Yes, very rich. He owns a company.
E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But, there is no position in his company.
E: Then, what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!
E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness will affect our managers' working spirits.
C: But, I am not pretty at all.
E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested in you.

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Unbreakable Combs
The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said,

"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..."

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Billboard
The executives of the A1 Steak Sauce Company were impressed with their new billboard.

It showed a handsome-husband-type guy being served a large plate of steak and potatoes seated at a table in what appeared to be a smart restaurant. An attractive, well endowed, young blonde waitress was standing over him, handing him a bottle of A1 sauce.

Originally they had titled the billboard, "What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don't?"

But after complaints from the public, that the ad was too suggestive, they changed the headline.

Now it reads: "He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home?"

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Walmart
A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get ,so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Walmart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She said excuse me sir .... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?

He said ma'am, I am blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, 'That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10lb. testline. It's a good all around rod and reel ,and it's $20.00'.

She said, 'It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it.'

He went behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, 'That will be $25.50'.

She says, 'but didn't you say It was $20.00 ?'

He says, 'Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, the catfish stinkbait is $2.50. All together that's $25.50.'

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Canadian salesman
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a**hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"Seriously??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

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Ulterior motive
My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free newspapers for his customers.

As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."

Oh, don't worry about us," he chuckled. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."