Drinking jokes

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Interview
Interviewer: "Do you think you can handle a variety of tasks?"

Applicant: "I should say so. I've had nine totally different jobs in the past five months."

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Boat race
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile!

The American team was discouraged by the loss. The morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend the corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 steering. The American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. After one year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. (Sound familiar?)

The new structure: Four steering managers, three area steering supervisors, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat, to provide a work incentive. That year, the Japanese won by two miles!!!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem!!!

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Installing telephone poles
A group of redheads and a group of blondes heard that the telephone company was looking for people, so they went and applied. The telephone company decided to give them a test before hiring anyone so they sent the teams out to install telephone poles.

At the end of the day they reported back on how they had done. The team of redheads had installed 10 telephone poles and the team of blondes, one. The redheads were hired but the blonde team protested that the redheads had cheated because they left most of the poles sticking out of the ground.

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The wedding ring
A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

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Village Blacksmith
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours.

The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."

The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

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Management Principles
When blue collar workers go out together on a weekend they talk about football.

When middle management are together, they talk about tennis.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls.

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A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

'Good day, how may we help you today?'

Very uncomfortably, she asks, 'Sir, how much does this rug cost?'

He answers, 'Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in your pants when you hear what the price is.'

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Ugly suit
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double- breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

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Missing wallet
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred

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Fish heads
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

'Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?'

'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone,' Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. 'But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'

'You sell them here?' the customer asks.

'Only $4 apiece,' says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

'You didn't eat enough,' says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

'Hey, Green,' he says, 'You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!'

'You see?' says Morris. 'You're smarter already.'