Computer Jokes II

[Sportsline]

Internet highway blues
The Information Highway Blues

My baby's got my 486.

My cellular phone's on the blink.

My fax's gone off to fax heaven,

And Pay For View stinks.

I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues.

I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.

I lost my account on the Internet.

My email's been revoked.

My modem's stuck at 300 baud,

And my terminal just blinks.

I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues .

I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues.

My head spins from Virtual Reality.

I don't have Video on demand.

I can't read my Personal Newspaper,

And Shop At Home has kinks.

I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues.

I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues.

Jack "Blues" Jung, Toronto, September 1994.

[Sportsline]

The computer prayer
Our Morning Prayer . . .

Our Hard Drive

Which art internal

Volume C by name;

Thy code be clean,

Thy fonts be seen

On screen as they are on paper.

Give us this day our documents,

And lead us not into fragmentation

But deliver us our data.

For thine is the SCSI,

And the EISA, and the NuBus,

Forever and Ever,

Amen.

[Sportsline]

Surfing the Internet
Surfin' the Net
So I think I'm in the clear
the boss is no where in sight
I logon to the web and start to surf
and then my hair stands up with fright

the footsteps coming down the hall
are quickening in pace
there is no time to exit
no way to save my face

so I press the power button
and relax just a bit
there is no way he can tell
exactly what I hit

I act all surprised
don't know why my machine died
"simply unpredictable these
computers are!" I cried

"So we'll get you a new one
a computer that won't crash" he exclaims
Do you think he'll wonder
when the new one acts the same?

[Sportsline]

User song and music
User
(To the tune of Beck's "Loser")

In the day of sysop nerds I was a flunkie
Jolt in my brains and body feeling chunky
With the plastic mouse balls spray paint the Commodore
System install with the hard drive on the floor

Kill the process and put it in /dev/null
Email flaming with the user hitting D-control
Shell's called Reno and it's written in C
Got a couple of xterms, keys set to repeat

Root came sayin' I'm insane to complain
About an online wedding and a stain on my screen
Don't believe everything that you make(1)
You get a cracker from Europe and a login that's fake

So write your code in Perl in the dark
Saving all your hacks for working at a tech park
Yo - punch it

So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Double dense floppy)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?

Forces of evil in a MUD/MOO nightmare
Ban all the members in a phony #chat channel 'cause
One's got a handle and the other's got a .plan
One online spammed the other and ran

With the FTP and the insane print job
The daytime crap of the alt.test slob
He hung himself with a call to ping
Twenty milliseconds and it's spitting out another string

RTFM if you can't relate
Trade the Sun for a car and the Web for a date
And MIME is a nifty hack for mailing to a newbie
That's choking on my MPEGs

So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Get crazy with the caps lock)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Drive-by BIFF post)

...
Yo, bring it on down
...
I'm a hacker, I'm a winner
Program's gonna work, I can feel it

So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(I can't retrieve you)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(NULL)

So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Sprecken sie DOS, eh, baby)
So - dumping core
I'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me?
(Know what I'm typin'?)

-- Kevin Hughes * [email protected]

[Sportsline]

Night before Christmas
The Night Before Christmas

A festive holiday poem by Hugh Drumm & Vincent Ambrose
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my RAM,
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a DIMM,
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

[Sportsline]

Gender and computers
Gender and Computers

Top nine reasons computers must be male:


They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
A better model is always just around the corner.
They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
It is always necessary to have a backup.
They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
The lights are on but nobody's home.
Big power surges knock them out for the night.
Size does matter
Top nine reasons computers must be female:


Picky, picky, picky.
They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
Beauty is only shell deep.
When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
Always turning simple statements into big productions.
Smalltalk is important.
You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
They make you take the garbage out.

[Sportsline]

Definition of Windows
Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95

Windows95: n.

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

[Sportsline]

The power of shifting
Unleash the Power of Shift!

Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?



A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation

A: Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".

Q: I pressed shift and its stuck down now

A: Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished.

Q: Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labelled "hif"?

A: Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter.

Q: Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?

A: Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.

Q: I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this?

A: This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equippped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.

Q: There are two shift keys, which should I use?

A: Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

Q: Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?

A: They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size!

Q: If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode?

A: No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question.

Q: No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to work. What's wrong?

A: Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard, the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your life.

[Sportsline]

100 Buckets of Bits
100 Buckets of Bits
100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits

Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus
...

[Sportsline]

AOL addiction poem
My computer broke down.

It crashed and burned!

And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy...

And keep it off my mind.

It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find!! So I went to Wal-Mart, and got on their pc.

The cashier in electronics was staring at me.

But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find.

I drew a crowd as I began to cry.

I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL!! I got to have my fix!!

Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics.

The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, "We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go!"

Security rushed over. Not long did he stall.

Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door!

Then he looked at me and said, "Don't come round here no more!"

I feel so embarrassed!! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal-Mart.... How low can I go?

So I'll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction.

Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!