BEST JOKES ON PLANET (MISC JOKES)(A)

[solksjaer15]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk...

"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.

Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy in the middle of the yard looking like he is dead from exhaustion.

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and say's, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."

[solksjaer15]

((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool, what swimming pool? Is this 937-2819?"

[solksjaer15]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

[solksjaer15]

One hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat.

The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.

The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet.

The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor.

The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door.

[solksjaer15]

A lady walks into the Gynecologist office and says, "I have a problem. I have extremely big pussy lips. I'd like to get an operation but don’t tell anyone because I am embarrassed about my problem."

The doctor agrees and gives her the operation.

The next day while sitting in the recovery room, she gets three roses delivered.

She runs to her doctor and says, "Doctor I thought I told you not to tell anyone. Who sent me these roses?"

The doctor replies, "The first one is from me because I felt sorry about your problem. The second is from the nurse who had the same problem you had. The third one is from the guy upstairs in the burns unit thanking you for his new ears!"

[solksjaer15]

This guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get screwed."

The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, "I really want to get screwed, bad!"

A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door."

So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits... Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out "I want to get screwed!"

The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"

[solksjaer15]

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.

Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did??"

The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says, "My God, what happened next!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[solksjaer15]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."

So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"

Adam says, "Yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".

So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[solksjaer15]

John O' Neill hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[solksjaer15]

Three women sitting in a bar having a drink. Their boyfriends are all named Georgie.

One day they decide to name their boyfriends after softdrinks to tell the difference between them.

The first one says "I'll name mine 7-up because he's seven inches and always up."

The second one says "I'll name mine MOUNTAIN DEW because he likes to mount and do me."

And the third one says "I'll name mine Jack Daniels."

The others say "Hey! That's not a softdrink that's a hard licker!".

She says "That's My Georgie!!"