Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

The NYPD, the FBI, and the CIA
adult

The NYPD, the FBI, & the CIA have engaged for years in serious competition to determine which organization is the most deft apprehended of criminals. The President, wanting to resolve the question once and for all, releases a rabbit into a forest and challenges each organization to utilize its best methods to bring the rabbit in to him.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They place hidden microphones on all of the trees and motion detectors behind each rock. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies.... the rabbit had it coming.

The NYPD goes in. A mere two hours later they come out leading a badly beaten bear by the ear. The bear is yelling: "OK, OK, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

[sahil_india_boy]

Need A Smaller Card
adult

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."

A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"

"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"

[sahil_india_boy]

Making Love
adult

One night, Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear," she said. "What's the occasion?"

"I want to make love to you," he said simply.

"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."

The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love to her.

"I'm awfully tired, honey," said his wife. "Can I have a rain-check?"

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife's answer was "no".

Finally he came home carrying six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

"How adorable, Jerry!" she exclaimed. "What are they for?"

"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy."

[sahil_india_boy]

Beer: My Friend, Your Friend, Everyone's Friend!
adult

Beer is for me, beer is for you
First I'll have one, then I'll have two
After three or more, I'll find me a whore I'll drink till I'm drunk,
and I'll even have more I'll get up and dance, I'll get down and dirty
Then I'll hit on a fat lady
'cause, "Damn she looks purdy"

Seven, then eight, nine and then ten
The drinking don't stop till the puking begins I'll get really tired,
be ready for bed Then fall on the toilet and bust open my head
There I will stay till the sun comes up
My friends will all tell me,
"Man you were FUCKed up!"

"FUCK you!" I say, "I had a good time."
"Until I got naked for quarters and dimes."
"Even that was fun," I'll say with a sneer.
Thanks to my friend, that cold case of beer.

[sahil_india_boy]

never ending joint
adult

A hippie were walking down the street one day when a pixie fell on him. "Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never ending joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king sized joint. The hippie lights it up and starts puffing. After five hits, the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"

[sahil_india_boy]

The Official List of Pussy
adult

Expensive Pussy:
Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category.

Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great!

Disadvantages:
Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion. Often not worth it

Cheap Pussy:
Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off.

Advantages:
Inexpensive
Guaranteed
Loving
Will try anything once and sometimes twice
You're lucky if you find this.

Disadvantages:
Won't go away
Possessive
Bugs you all the time
Can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy
Will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it
Often not worth it.

Hired Pussy:
Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.

Advantages:
You don't have to stick around
Won't tell your girlfriend
Doesn't care who you are or what you look like
Often very experienced
Usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.

Disadvantages:
More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run
Risk of disease is high
Is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high
Often not worth it

Virgin Pussy:
This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.

Advantages:
Risk of disease is very low
Will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in
Sometimes open to new experience
Will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained

Disadvantages:
Usually will not give in until marriage
Will cause discomfort upon use
Not very imaginative
Not usually into using birth control which can cause "accidents"
Can only be used once
Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing

Nympho Pussy:
Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.

Advantages:
Will send you into la-la land
Will try anything once

Disadvantages:
You are probably not the only one
Thus disease risk can be high
Will tire you out and ask for more
Can be unstable
Will not give a steady relationship
Often not worth it

Frigid Pussy:
Less rare. See Virgin Pussy for recognition. Difference is that this Pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).

Advantages:
There are no advantages

Disadvantages:
Too many to list here
Best to stay away once recognized
Never worth it

Innocent Nympho Pussy:
Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for Virgin Pussy. Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.

Advantages:
The surprise is blissful
Always worth it
Keep it if you can

Disadvantages:
May or may not be faithful.

Party Pussy:
Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.

Advantages:
Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky
Be sure to say the right thing

Disadvantages:
Disease risk is high
Will not usually remain faithful
The Support System may tend to puke all over you.
Often not worth it

Nutsy Pussy:
Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason..Usually found as a quiet co-worker.

Advantages:
Easy!

Disadvantages:
Never really worth it

[sahil_india_boy]

True Love
adult

Three gay men were at funeral home for their lover's visitations. After the visitation they were talking to each other about what each one was going to do with their lovers ashes. The first gay man said my lover loved to fly so i'm going to spread his ashes in the sky. The second gay man said, my lover loved to fish so i will sread his ahes in our favorite lake. The third lover said my lover was so good in bed that i'm going to spread his ahes in a hot pot of chili so he can tear my ass up one more time.

[sahil_india_boy]

The Happy Rabbit
adult

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little fucker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

[sahil_india_boy]

A Morning Poem
adult

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his fucking head.

I'm not a morning person.

[sahil_india_boy]

Cuckoo Clock
adult

The other night Rodney was invited out for a night with "the boys". Rodney told Cathy that he would be home by midnight...he promised!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, Rodney headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, he realized Cathy would probably wake up, so he cuckooed another 9 times.

Rodney was really proud of himself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict with the wife.

The next morning Cathy asked him what time he got in, and when he told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!, Rodney thought to himself.

Cathy then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then let out a big fart and giggled some more.