Jokes time buddies.....

[ftvfatboy]

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The old man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Aren't you afraid of me? Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep, " was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."




"It takes a minute to have a crush an hour to like someone and a day to love someone but it takes a lifetime to forget someone" Be in touch..

[ftvfatboy]

Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr.Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr.Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr.Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
****
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
****
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
****
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks!
****
Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
****
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
****
Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder.
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
****
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
****
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful... is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure

[ftvfatboy]

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

[ftvfatboy]

A blonde stood before a department store mirror staring at herself for over an hour until a disgusted sales clerk finally asked, "Madam, are you all right?" The blonde turned to him and said, "Darn! You made me lose the staring contest!"

[ftvfatboy]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.


4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.!

[ftvfatboy]

When It's Ok to Fart In Public


1. In your boss' office as you are turning to leave.
Tip- Make sure it's a silent one
2. In a bathroom.
3. In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things.
4. In an empty elevator before you get off.
5. Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become unoccupied.
6. In someone else's unoccupied cubicle at work.
7. While parachuting.
8. While scuba diving.
9. In the back seat of a patrol car if you are
arrested.
10. During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated.
11. In your car if you've been carjacked.
12. In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting his/her turn.
13. In your car once you've been pulled over..the cop may let you go quicker.
14. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.
15.While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to blame.

[ftvfatboy]

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny
and a blind little snake. One day, the bunny was hopping through the
forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny
tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake
about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you.

I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact,
I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the
same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I
could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least
you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you
have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."

"Oh thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help
you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly
and very smooth, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say
you must be either a politician, a lawyer, or someone in upper management."

[ftvfatboy]

The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you."
I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape,
so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:

Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.

Whew!
What a workout!
You are invited to use my program without charge!!

[ftvfatboy]

Language
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response,
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other,
"That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

[ftvfatboy]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."

************************************************** ************************

A man received a free ticket to a Pittsburgh Steelers home game from his
company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at Heinz Field, he realized
his seat was in the upper deck and was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than it
was to the playing field.

Near the end of the first quarter, he spotted an empty seat 10 rows
from the field right at the 50-yard line. He decided to go for it. He snaked
his way down the stadium, past the security guards, and made it to the empty
seat.

He asked the elderly gentleman next to the empty seat if the seat was
being saved for someone, and the man said no.

Very excited, he sat down in the seat and said to the elderly man,
"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this and not
use it?"

The elderly man responded, "Actually, the seat belongs to my wife.
But she passed away recently, and this is the first Steelers game we haven't
attended together in almost 50 years of marriage."

The man, now feeling a little guilty to be in the empty seat said,
"That's really sad. But, still, couldn't you find a good friend or a close
relative to take the seat?"

"No," the elderly man replied, "they're all at the funeral."