Drinking jokes

[shihab1919]

A man's life is a vicious circle. Take Fathers' Day as an example.
As a reward for being such a hard-working father, my wife screwed me
all night long,..... but she got pregnant again, and *that* is how
I got into this fuckin' mess in the *first* place!

[shihab1919]

"Fishing For A Good Wife"....
One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing
reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its
cost. The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot
see
what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and
be of more help."
So she did just that. After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said,
"That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00." The woman decided to
take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she
laid a stinky, squeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said,
"That'll be fifty dollars."
"Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that is was
forty dollars a moment ago!"
"Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The duck
call
is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least we know that ugly people aren't two-faced.
If they were, surely they'd use their other face!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Second Opinion"....
A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife,
"You
aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he\'d better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[shihab1919]

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL....
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just
as
if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down with
left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into
its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist
impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over
cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by
lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is
down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's
just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good
cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat
and pill. Assuming position #1, saysternly, "Who's the boss here,
>anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
>claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse
to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or
woman.
15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
8. Take two aspirins and lie down.
See...now that wasn't too hard now was it....

[shihab1919]

The Kiss
Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment
of an European train. Two men and two women faced each
other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old
lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry.
Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--
who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion
magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking
man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant
Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young
private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted
about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel,
and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence,
until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following
the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat
quietly with their own thoughts. The older lady was thinking,
"Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age
there are still young women who have a little self-respect
and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked
herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind
want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that
any woman could ever think that a man in his position would
try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What
a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the
back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face
and get away with it!"

[shihab1919]

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he
heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is
exciting," thought the gentleman.
I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be
able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the
Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still,
the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good
at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me
for assistance. Shortly after takeoff, the Pope turned to the
gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter
word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind. My goodness, thought the
gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another.
The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him.
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking
for the word 'aunt'."
"Oh yeah," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

[shihab1919]

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick.
So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man
planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The
courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite
of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her
honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out
of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he
had nothing on except a rubber to cover a 12 inch erection,
and was carrying a pair of earplugs and noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I
can't stand- the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning
rubber."

[shihab1919]

chocolate vs. sex
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate
without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/
desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.

[shihab1919]

Men and Women confuse each otherOh so true.......Boys
A heart is not a play thing,a heart is not a toy,but if you want it
broken,
Just give it to a boy.Boys they like to play with things
To see what makes them run,But when it comes to kissing,They do it just
for fun.
Boys never give their hearts awayThey play us girls for fools,
They wait until we give our heartsAnd then they play it cool.
You will wonder where he is a nightYou will wonder if he's true,
One moment you will be happy,One moment you will be blue.
If you get a chance to see himYour heart begins to dance
Your life revolves around him,There's nothing like romance.
And then it starts to happen,You worry day and night
You see, my friend, you're losing himIt never turns out right.
Boys are great, though immatureThe price you pay is high,
He may seem sweet and gorgeousBut remember, he's a guy.
Don't fall in love with just a boyThat takes a lot of nerve.
You see, my friend, you need a manTo get what you deserve.
So when you think that you're in love,Be careful if you can
Before you give your heart awayMake sure that he's a man.Girls
There are many good things in life,like cars, money, and weed.
But if you want something confusing,a girl is all you need.
A girl doesn't say what she wants,but you're somehow supposed to know.
If they want to do this or do that,stay here, stay there, or just go.
Then there's the time, you all know what I mean,that monthly little joy.
That lets them abuse the shit out of you,just for being a boy.
If you ever dare look at another girl,they seem to scream, go on, and
panic.
But watch how fast they ignore you,at the sight of that queer from
Titanic.
They give you questions like "Am I fat?",
and "If you could go with one of my friends, who?".
There is no answer, face the facts,you are definitely through.
They take nothing and blow it up,and make a tremendous fuss.
So girls, no matter what you think,you are just as hard to understand as
us.

[shihab1919]

Pondering
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when
you still have something on the ball but you are just too
tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it
"Pumping Rust"
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles
out of my face.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . .
they were cramming for their finals.
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
"Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's
for company:" LOL!!
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps
toothpicks? (no offense k? )
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified
in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good
Doctor.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't
they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
I thought about being rich and it don't mean so much . . . Just
look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a
Cadillac.
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty
more ribs where you came from:"

[shihab1919]

Quick quiz for the Gentleman
1. In the company of feminists, sexual intercourse should be referred to as:
a. Lovemaking b. Screwing c. The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only
after you've shared:
a. Your views about what each of you expect from a sexual relationship
b. Your blood test results c. Five tequila slammers
3. You should time your orgasm so that: a. Your partner climaxes first
b. You climax simultaneously c. You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a. Healthy, creative love-play
b. Not something your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c. Not something your wife/girlfriend should ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a. The best part of the experience
b. The second best part of the experience
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is: a. No concern of yours
b. You thought she was a little too skinny anyways
c. a really conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a. A myth b. An oxymoron
c. A moron8. Foreplay is to sex as: a. Appetizer is to entree
b. Priming is to painting c. A line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find
yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a. "I hope we can still be friends."
b. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message after the tone...."
c. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: you."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope
with that sort of intimacy b. Is uptight and a waste of time
c. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make
sure you really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check yourself into
therapy.... you're still a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than 7 times, call me up....Let's godrinking.