Jokes time buddies.....

[ftvfatboy]

"Miss Jones, we can't hire you as a model," the
editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's
obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since
the hair between your legs is black."

The model picked up the magazine editors
bowling ball and slammed it down on his fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers.
They're turning black, right? And they've only been
banged once..."

[ftvfatboy]

10 CHILD COMMANDMENTS TO PARENTS


1. My hands are small; please don't expect
perfection whenever I make a bed, draw a picture
or throw a ball. My legs are short; please slow
down so that I can keep up with you.


2. My eyes have not seen the world as yours have;
please let me explore safely. Don't restrict me unnecessarily.


3. Housework will always be there. I'm only
little for a short time, please take time to
explain things to me about this wonderful
world and do so willingly.



4. My feelings are tender; please be sensitive to my needs.
Don't nag me all day long. ( You wouldn't want to be nagged for
your inquisitiveness). Treat me as you would like to be treated.


5. I am a special gift from God; please treasure me as God intended
you to do, holding me accountable for my actions, giving me guidelines
to live by and disciplining me in a loving manner.


6. I need your encouragement to grow. Please go easy on the criticism;
remember, you can criticize the things I do without criticizing me.



7. Please give me the freedom to make decisions concerning myself.
Permit me to fail, so that I can learn from my mistakes. Then someday
I'll be prepared to make the kinds of decisions that life requires of me.


8. Please don't do things over for me.
Somehow that makes me feel that my efforts
didn't quite measure up to your expectations.
I know it's hard, but please don't try to
compare me to my brother or sister.


9. Please don't be afraid to leave for a weekend together.
Kids need vacations from parents, just as parents need vacations
from kids. Besides, it's a great way to show us kids that
your marriage is very special.


10. Please take me to church or synagogue regularly, setting a good
example for me to follow. I enjoy learning more about God.

[ftvfatboy]

This man had been having a few beers down at the
neighbourhood
bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when
nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve
himself.
To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the
grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and
took
off running.

The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs
as
she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He
could
feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he
got
down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of
the
situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop
walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What
the
hell do you think your doing, this is a public park."

The man said, "But officer this is my wife."

The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife."

The man said, "Neither did I 'till you shined your light on
her."

[solksjaer15]

nice ones dude good workk...keep posting more...:awesome:

[ftvfatboy]

Mabel
Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month
voyage.

Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship,
so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her
was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers from Singapore. She refused with
disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was
refused time and time again.

Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although
she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could try Mabel down
the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very
unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mabel, and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to
accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told
him not to expect any kind of response from her. Mac began the amorous act
and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm coming around his back.

This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear.

Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew
you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."

"Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on
them sneakers."

[ftvfatboy]

Hoya!

It was election time and the politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.



"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"



The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!".



The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.



"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"



"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.



"I promise more social reforms and more job opportunities for Native Americans!"



The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"



After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.



"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya..."

[ftvfatboy]

1974 vs. 2004

1974:Long hair
2004:Longing for hair






1974: KEG
2004: EKG



1974:Acid rock
2004:Acid reflux

1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm



1974:Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004:Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage



1974:Hoping for a BMW
2004:Hoping for a BM

1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian



1974:Going to a new, hip joint
2004:Receiving a new hip joint

1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones

1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office

1974: Screw the system
2004: Upgrade the system



1974:Disco
2004:Costco

1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test



1974:Whatever
2004:Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1986. !

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic



The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.



They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.



They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

! They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.



Do you feel old yet?

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

[ftvfatboy]

Bloody Bat Nose

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.


Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.


"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.


"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.


"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.


"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

[ftvfatboy]

Choose your partners, one and all
Aspirin, Advil, or Tylenol!
Now fling those covers with all you've got,
One minute cold, the next minute hot,
Circle right to the side of the bed,
Grab the tissues and Sudafed.

Back to the middle and don't goof off;
Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough.
Forget about slippers,
dash down the hall,
Toss your cookies in the shower stall.

Remember others on the brink;
Wash your hands; wash the sink.
Wipe the doorknob, light switch too,
By George, you've got the it,
You're doing the Flu!

P.S. Some like it cold, some like it hot;
If you like neither, get the shot

[ftvfatboy]

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed
in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to
this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to
swap his wife for a season tickets."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away from the
game.

Sarah said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?"

"Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."
HELLO, NO SUPPER FOR THAT GUY, DAVE