Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

Supernatural Seminar
adult

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it, I thought you said 'GOATS'."

[sahil_india_boy]

Finished?
adult

An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract a very beautiful blonde woman. So they go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while he climaxes loudly, rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "Are youa finish?"

After a slight pause she replies, "No."

Surprised, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her and has his way with her again--this time lasting even longer than the first.

Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette and asks, "Youa finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she simply says, "No."

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he mounts her again. This time with all the strength he could muster. He barely
manages to end the task, but he does.

Exhausted, he reaches for his cigarette. "Soa, youa finish, or what?!"

"No," comes her reply. "I am Swedish."

[sahil_india_boy]

Birthday Gift To Remember
adult

A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate
saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it.
She'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'"

[sahil_india_boy]

Your Kids Might Have Inherited Your Kink If
adult

The neighbors complain that your kids do full body cavity searches when playing cops and robbers.

You go in the playroom and find an interrogation chair built entirely of Legos.

You come home and find the kids tickling a bound and gagged baby-sitter.

You tell your daughter she's too old to spank, and she assures you quite firmly that she isn't.

You yell to your daughter to do her chores, she answers she's tied up right now... and she really is tied up.

The kids' favorite game is Cowboy and Dominatrix.

Your son earned his merit badge in tying knots...twelve times.

You notice your son's G.I. Joe has Barbie on a leash.

You bought a clothes dryer because every time your kids went out to play, the clothesline and clothespins vanished.

You ask your son to walk the dog, and later notice the dog's still home, but the leash and your daughter aren't.

[sahil_india_boy]

Divorce
adult

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed overseas. So she sends him a very special care package. He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows.

He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

[sahil_india_boy]

The meaning of words
adult

After school one day Todd, an eager second-grader, came up to his mother and asked, "Mom, what's a pussy?"

Somewhat startled by the question, but directing her answer away from the adult definition, the mother replied, "Son, sometimes people say the word pussy, for short, when they really mean pussycat. You know like Boots, the cat that lives next door. Boots could be called a pussy or better yet, pussycat."

That didn't compute with what Tod heard on the playground that day, but he continued, "Mom, what about a bitch? What is a bitch?"

She pursued her puritanical theme by answering, "Todd, an adult female dog is commonly referred to as a bitch. But Son, where did you hear such words?"

"From the fourth-graders on the playground, Mom," he replied.

"I think you should play with your second-grade friends and stay away from those fourth-graders," the mother stated.

Later, Todd found his dad working in the garage. He went up to his dad and asked, "Dad, what's a pussy?"

The dad contemplated how he should answer this delicate question. Then resolving that an honest question deserves and honest answer, he reached up on the top shelf of his tool bench and took down a copy of the Playboy magazine. He pulled out the centerfold and laid it on the workbench. With a felt-tip pen the dad drew a very tight circle around the vulva of the nude playmate-of-the- month.

Pointing to the centerfold and looking his son square in the eye, the dad said, "Todd, Son, everything inside that little circle is called a pussy!"

"WOW," said Todd as his eyes bugged at the small circle. Now that made more sense about what he heard on the playground that day.

"Dad, what's a bitch" Todd asked?

"Well, Son, a bitch is everything outside that circle."

[sahil_india_boy]

Little Red Riding Hood
adult

Little Red Riding Hood decides to visit grandma late one evening. Her mother stops her and says, "No dear, it's too late. The big bad wolf will be in the woods, and you know what will happen -- he'll lift your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off."

Little Red Riding Hood pulls a shotgun from under her skirt and says, "Don't worry, I'm ready for him." So off she goes.

Along the way she meets the Three Little Pigs. They tell her she should go back home, because the Big Bad Wolf is in the woods, and if the Big Bad Wolf catches her he'll lift her little red skirt, pull down her little red panties, and fuck her little red socks off. So she shows them the shotgun and continues.

Soon, out jumps the Big Bad Wolf. He says, "I'm the Big Bad Wolf, and I'm going to lift your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off."

Little Red whips out the shotgun and aims it at him. She lies down on her back, pulls down her panties, spreads her legs and says, "No you're not, you're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

[sahil_india_boy]

Tapeworms
adult

A fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.

Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.

The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."

Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.

"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor.

Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed IT up the patient's ass.

"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.

The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next...!!

Every day UP went a banana, waited one minute, then UP went the cookie.

After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."

"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.

"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.

On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.

Finally, a little head poked out of the patient's ass.

"WHERE'S MY COOKIE???"

**WHAM**

[sahil_india_boy]

Firm It Up
adult

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought and replied with silence.

The next morning , the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.

With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener,the poolman and your brother!

[sahil_india_boy]

New Secretary
adult

"Have you seen my new secretary?" asked the businessman.

"Yeah," his buddy replied, "she's gorgeous."

"Well, she's a Robot, the latest model from Japan."

"Jeez, that's amazing! What can she do?"

"If you squeeze her left breast, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right breast, she types 185 wpm for you. And when you screw her it feels better than the real thing."

"Sounds perfect."

"I almost got hurt once, though."

"How?"

"Well," he grimaced, "let's just say, I didn't know her butt was a pencil sharpener."