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Two mischevious boys
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
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Funeral service for wife
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
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Rabbi and businessman
A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do.
He goes to his Rabbi to seek advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do.
The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words your eyes fall on and they will tell you what to do."
The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind riffles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and his eyes fall on words which tell him what he has to do.
Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi.
The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice.
The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what words in the Bible brought this good fortune to him.
The man replies: "Chapter 11"
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St. Peter and the Minister
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
St. Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."
St. Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says St. Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
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Adam's Rib
In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
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Jewish Samurai
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a message to one and all that he was searching for one. A year passes and only 3 people show up, a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asks the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. "That is really impressive."
The emperor then has the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai thinks, if it works for the other two, why not try. Whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor says in disappointment, "why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai replies, "If you look closely, the fly has been circumcised!"
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Jesus Vs. Satan
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain
poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves"
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Donations
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up.
’’Well, thank you,’’ the pastor replied, ’’but why?’’
’’Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had!’’
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Death During Service
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning, pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8 o'clock or the 10 o'clock?"
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Children In Church
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I’m gonna be sick, Momma!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ’For the Sick’."
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