Jokes Heavan - Share Your Jokes Here.

[studiobiz]

Here are some more...

Surprise, surprise.......

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Oh, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25."

---------------------------------------------------------------
Poetic Justice!

The North American National Poetry Contest had come down to 2 finalists:

A Yale graduate, and a Newfie. They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up

with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was TIMBUKTU'.

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped up to the microphone & said:

"SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND

TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.

MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO

DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU".

The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.

The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited

"ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,

MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.

THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO,

SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU!"

The Newfie won hands down.

PS. For us Brits, "Newfies" are from Newfoundland......
---------------------------------------------------------------

Don't mess with a woman!
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,interview and testing were done, there were three finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Don't mess with a Woman
---------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the social worker

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10???" says the social worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl, "its great because if they are out playing in the street, I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed social worker.


"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"

---------------------------------------------------------------
Shocking!!!
Two old pensioners, man and wife, are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting in a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you aother."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners behind the gas works.

The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this. Not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could peform like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"


The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that......particularly at your age!

What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"


The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f***ing fence wasn't electrified."

---------------------------------------------------------------

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Xmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.



He said, "Darling, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[studiobiz]

The Guys' Rules
The Guys' Rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!

[studiobiz]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.



LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.



PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.



SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.

[studiobiz]

A Chinese story -- proud to be a Chinese ?

A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the title and everything checks out.

The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we
are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[studiobiz]

Here is a goooooood Confession. Read aloud to enjoy the humour.


Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned"

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a b****."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a b****?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest "Like this?"(as he touched her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "Thats no reason to call a man a son of a b****."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?"(as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a b****."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes; father."

Priest: "Like this?(as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "Thats no reason to call him a son of a b****."

Girl: "Then he stuck his "you know what "into my "you know where"

Priest: "Like this? (as he stuck his " you know what "into her"you know where")

Girl: "YES FATHER ;YEES FATHER ;YEES FAAAATHER!!"

Priest: "(after a few minutes)Thats no reason to call him a son of a b****"

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!

Priest: "SHIT! THAT SON OF A b****!!!

[studiobiz]

/*Windows '98 source code.*/Windows '98 source code.
/*Windows '98 source code.*/
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft© Code
Project: Chicago™
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL_HARD
char make_prog_look_big 1600000 ;
void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}

[studiobiz]

(Act 1)
Ah Beng calls the telephone operator:
Ah Beng: "Could you please tell me the time difference between Singapore and New York?"
Operator: "Just a minute..."
Ah Beng: "Thank you."
Ah Beng got his answer and cut off the line.


(Act 2)
At a bar in New York, the man sat next to Ah Beng told the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
and his companion said, "JACK DANIELS,SINGLE."
The bartender turned to Ah Beng and asked, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah Beng replied: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."


(Act 3)
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime,
Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me only 5 MONTHS to do it," Ah Beng said.
"FIVE MONTHS? Why did you take so long." the friend asked.
Ah Beng replied, "No, it is not long at all, look ! at the box, it says it is for 4 to 7 years".

(Act 4)
Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition.
During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!". Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!"
Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
Host : "Quiet please."
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying,
"C'mon man, I don't need their help? I got more original answer. My answer is "Gu ni!" (milk in Hokkien)

(Act 5)
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered some problems.
After a few attempts, he decided to use the 'Help' command.
Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer shop for support.
Ah Beng : "I pressed the 'F1' key for help... but it's been over half an hour & still nobody has come to help me...."

(Act 6)
In the class.
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother."
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo.
So if they walk together, we can say they are 'Cow Pay Cow Boo'."

(Act 7)
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and
he answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor- but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!""Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to the other ear?"
Ah Beng: "That stupid fellow called back again loh!"


(Act 8 )
Why did Ah Beng go to! a movie with his 18 friends?
Because according to the advertisement, below 18 is not allowed to go in

[studiobiz]

Sent: 4/2/2004 1:22:09 PM
To:
Cc:
Subject: FW: Ah Sohhh



Ah Soh wants to buy a TV set. She goes to a shop.

Ah Soh : "Do you have color TV ?"

Salesgirl : "Yes !"

Ah Soh : "Give me a green one, please "

**************

Ah Soh is filling up an application form for a job.

She supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc.

Then she comes to column on "Salary Expected"

She is not sure of the question.

After much thought, she writes " Yes "

**************

Ah Soh goes to a store and sees a shiny object.

Ah Soh : "What is that shiny object ?"

Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."

Ah Soh : "What does it do ?"

Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Ah Soh : "I'll buy it"

The next day, Ah Soh goes to work with her thermo flask

Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"

Ah Soh : "It's a thermos flask."

Boss : "What does it do?"

Ah Soh : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Boss : "What do you have in it! ?"

Ah Soh : "Two cups of coffee and a coke"

**************

After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Soh always compares
it with the original for spelling mistakes.

**************

Ah Soh always smiles during lightning storms because she thinks her picture is being taken.

**************

Why can't Ah Soh dial 911 ?

Because she can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

**************

Ah Soh and her friend board a double-decker bus.

Her friend gets a seat downstairs and Ah Soh goes upstairs.

After a while, her friend goes upstairs to look for Ah Soh and finds her clutching the seats in both hands
and her body is shivering .

Her friend : "What happened? Why you so scared for what? Downstairs quite shiok one."

Ah Soh : "Alamak you! You got a driver but I don't."

[studiobiz]

How rich is Bill Gates?


1. Bill Gates earns US$250 every SECOND, that's about US$20 Million a DAY and US$7.8 Billion a YEAR!



2. If he drops a thousand dollar, he won't even bother to pick it up coz by the 4 seconds he picks it, he already earned it back.



3. US's national debt is about 5.62 trillion, if Bill Gates will pay the debt by himself; he will finish it in less than 10 years.



4. He can donate US$15 to everyone on earth but still left US$5 Million for his pocket money.



5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in US. If he don't drink and eat, and keeps his annual income US$30 Million up, he'll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates now.



6. If Bill Gates is a country, he is the 37th richest country on earth, or US 13th biggest company, even bigger than IBM.



7. If exchange all Bill Gate's money to US$1, you can make a road from earth to moon, 14 times back and forth. But you have to make that road non-stop for 1,400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING 747 plane to transport all the money.



8. Bill Gates is 40 this year. If we assume that he still can live for 35 years, he has to spend US$6.78 Million per day to finish his money before he goes to heaven.



9. BUT!!! If Microsoft Windows' users can claim US$1 for every time their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will bankrupt in 3 years!

[studiobiz]

Computers are female
The top six reasons computers must be female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as

"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Modems beat women
Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:


1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".


2. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.


3. A modem won't say a word if you come home late.


4. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.


5. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.


6. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.


7. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.


8. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.


9. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.


10. Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

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An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska,
admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What
a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he
was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear
beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down
the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was
rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared
that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was
even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster
yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to
pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with
its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD! ..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving ...

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came
from all around...

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS,
TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN
CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO
YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS
PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A
BELIEVER?"

Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said,
"It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these
years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL." Said God.

The light went out.

The river ran.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws
together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this
food which I am about to receive."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says
to her, "The artificial insemination man is coming to
impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the
two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination
man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she
sees the nail.

She says, "This is the one, right here." The man says, "How
do you know?" Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."

The man says, "What's the nail for?"

Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman has had serious headaches for several years and
has tried everything without success. One day, she was
having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist
who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything."
The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her
husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all
these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the
husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie
referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a
mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I
do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' It
worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies,
"Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you
haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last
few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he
can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off
his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the
bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll
be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a
few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate
love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that
was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be
right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back
and round two was even better than the first time. The wife
sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in
the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and
there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror
and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not
my wife!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three blondes were walking along the beach when one spotted a bottle in the sand. They picked up the bottle, and due to the nature of curious blondes they opened it. Out came a genie!

The genie was only allowed to give three wishes and therefore granted each of them a wish.

The first blonde: "People always call us dumb, so I wish to be 10 times smarter." POOF! The blonde turned into a gorgeous brunette.

The second blonde: "Well, I don't want to be THAT smart, so I wish to be just twice as smart." POOF! The blonde turned into a beautiful red head.

The third blonde was not sure what to wish for and had to think for several minutes. Finally, she responded, "I do not want to be smarter, I enjoy being a blonde, so I wish to be 10 times dumber."

POOF! She was turned into a man!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and a redhead in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first and the redhead was a close second.
Much later, the blonde finally reached shore, completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

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A beautiful young blond woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering at the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer he slipped his arm around the blond's shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here," the Captain asked?
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry.
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An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by
the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young
woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went
and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to
make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all
night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top,
sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she
pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found the head
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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite
chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring
me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When
he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's
gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it
starts."

That's it!" She blows her top, "You *******! You waltz in
here, flop your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me
and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't
you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day
long?"

The husband sighed. " Oh ****, it's started."
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Dear Susan:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other
during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that
was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never
wanted to be the first one to make contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling
back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that
my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't
miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care
who makes the first move as long as one of us
does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our
hurt. And this is what my heart says...

"There's no one like you, Susan." I look for you in the eyes and
breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not
even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Ithaca Bar and
brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just
to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young,
maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and
maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just
a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a
tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the
couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff
we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What
does a perfect body mean?

Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you
see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person?
Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive
Susan? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I
Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I
found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It
wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless
hunger, but something else. Some feeling of loss. Why did it
feel so incomplete? And then it hit me.

It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Susan, to
watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same
without you. Jesus, Susan, I'm just going crazy without you.
And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in Upper
Side last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of
lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a
woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but
that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine
and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old
bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's
giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when
she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether
the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting
mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the
floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And
it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help
thinking, "Why didn't Susan ever put the mirror on the floor?
We've had this old vanity for what, 14
years, and we never used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining
order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty
good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me
during this painful time.

She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about
women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together,
Susan, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking
about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same
DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she
looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes
me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal
thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I
pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled
some of the bitterness between us.

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your
baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's
true, Susan. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we
could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start
fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know,
otherwise, can you let me know where the remote control is.

John
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A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they
gave their wives for their anniversary. The rich man
says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes
Benz."
Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man
replies,
"Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace,
she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."

The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then
proceeds to tell him what he got his wife. "I got my
wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo." With a confused
and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you
buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well,
in case she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go "bad word" herself."
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office
alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering frim a very severe disease,
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following,
your husband will surely DIE!!!

"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and
make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a
nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an
especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as
this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with
him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your
husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him
plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of
sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with
your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.


"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home the husband asked his wife, "What did the
doctor say?"

She replied, "You're gonna die"