Drinking jokes

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Baked Beans


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

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Pizza Slices


A blond ordered a pizza and the clerk asked her how many pieces she wanted it sliced into, six or twelve? "Six", she said, "I could never eat twelve".

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Half a Cake


A woman was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made
her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported,
and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half,
until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led
to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went
on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower,
and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband
said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate
half!"

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The Rules of Eating Chocolate


If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A: Because no one wants to quit.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

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The Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook



-- by Alastair Sutherland


From a Portland Oregon alternative newspaper


We have been lucky to discover several previously lost diaries of French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions of our office sofa. These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but with food. Apparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy had hoped to write "a cookbook that will put to rest all notions of flavor forever." The diaries are excerpted here for your perusal.

October 3
Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin
work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.


October 4
Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.


October 6
I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of cigarettes, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long.


October 10
I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe:
Tuna Casserole Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish
Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light. While a void is expressed in the recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustrated.


October 25
I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.


November 15
Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word cake. I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.


November 30
Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit.


December 1
I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am now experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but seem to impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes and black coffee.

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Food of the 21st Century


Mass-Free Food
The next generation of dieter's food beyond "fat-free" is "mass-free". These will be extremely light but strong edible structures made from freeze-dried agarose, the world's lightest solid material. The material is colored, flavored, and texturized to resemble bread, baked potato, etc. A "mass-free" hamburger on a bun will weigh only 1 gram. Don't put mustard or ketchup (preferred IUPAC nomenclature over "catsup") on it, because the water they contain will break down the structure of the freeze-dried agarose.


Restaurants
Direct brain-implant/virtual-reality technology will let people experience animal eating experiences. For example, you could directly experience what a cat feels when it catches and eats a mouse. Restaurants will specialize in particular eating experiences, for example they might have a yard populated by rabbits and a set of falcons. Or a large aquarium and some piranha.


Snack Food
In early 21st century, the most popular snack food will be Nacho Critters edible robots by Nabisco. Based mostly on a wheat-corn alloy, fried in zero-calorie non-fat vegetable shortening, these are little crisp chips shaped like gingerbread men, but only about 1 1/4 inches tall (that's 2.733 decihectares, for our Canadian friends). When you open the bag, the sudden exposure to oxygen activates their neural circuitry and locomotive machinery which permits them to walk around for a few minutes. Open the bag, and they slowly walk out, then proceed in random directions. Left to themselves, it creates a real mess because they get into everything! Then they "die", which causes problems if you got ants. It's fun to put the critters in a big jar with a stopper on it and watch them crawl over each other trying to get out! Dogs and cats love Nacho Critters!


Genetically Engineered Food
Soon it will be possible to transfer genetic material between completely different animals. The dream of a cow that gives chocolate milk is fast approaching reality. How will this boon be used? Probably we'll make many of the same combinations we do today in convenience foods for the microwave, except the food would be grown in a pre-mixed, ready-to-eat condition. Instead of buying frozen, you'll buy live! It'll taste much better than frozen because it'll be real fresh, the animal not actually dying until about 30 seconds after you hit START on the microwave. You won't ever have to worry about your Chicken Cordon Bleu leaking, because it won't have a seam. Advertising jingles can be genetically programmed into the brains of food. Just stick the food in the oven, and in the last few seconds you hear "M'mm m'mm good, m'mm m'mm good, Campbell's ChickeAAAACK!"


Cooking Shows
Advanced molecular replication technology will allow you to smell, taste, and even sample the food seen on cooking shows. They may also be used so that members of the audience can interact with the chef, sending him samples of their own recipes. And you can enjoy the same meal over and over again, just by popping the same tape in the TV. The TV and microwave oven are likely to converge into a single unit, responsible for both food and entertainment.


Food Scares
The one disease completely untreatable by advanced medical technology is hypochondria. The sick minds that invent food scares like the recent Alar hoax will need to become more sophisticated. For example, there will be rumors of software bombs implanted in food programming. These would range from just causing a case of gas, to making someone sick, to programming all the food animals to rise up at one time and take control of society.


Reuseable Food
A food flavor delivery system, consisting of a texture unit and rate-controlled flavor agent releasing system. It's sort of like a big piece of chewing gum, except the texture will be programmable (e.g., chewy like jerky, delicate and brittle like baklava, tender like meat). The flavor will also be programmable, by releasing different flavors in unique combinations. In fact, the flavor and texture can change while you're chewing it, so a complete meal with many courses can be enjoyed without even removing the device from your mouth

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Bread is Dangerous


Important Warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread:

More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
Newborn babies can choke on bread.
Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

No sale of bread to minors.
A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

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To cook a turkey


This recipe is perfect for those people who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED Turkey 6-7 lb. Turkey 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing 1 cup uncooked popcorn salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan in the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows out the oven door and flies across the room, the turkey is done.

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To cook a turkey


This recipe is perfect for those people who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.

BAKED STUFFED Turkey

6-7 lb. Turkey

1 cup melted butter

1 cup stuffing

1 cup uncooked popcorn

salt/pepper to taste


Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan in the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows out the oven door and flies across the room, the turkey is done.

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Christmas Fruitcake Recipe


Items Needed:
-------------
4 Oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallot
Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an
adult!)
Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie.
The resulting
block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of
bread.

Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block
with your rubber
mallot. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with
an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease
into that mallot!
Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie,
so you can't
break anything.

For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by
setting them on
top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on
HIGH for 30
minutes).

Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your
loved ones the
timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!