Priest Jokes ---- Have lot of fun ---- (A)

[jp_10006]

Some contributions to the jokes section..
Enjoy them people.......

These Priest Jokes does not intend to touch the religious feelings..
Juz like sardar jokes n so on, this must not be taken for racial or religious consideration..

[jp_10006]

Dinner Time

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.

Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".

Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

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The Monk and the Priest

A monk and a priest are driving down a street in differnt directions.

Oddly enough, they end up getting into a crash.

They both get out of their cars, infuriated that there had been a wreck.

But since both of them are men of god, they began to talk.

The priest says that it was fortunate for these two men of the cloth to have met in such a strange way.

The monk says that it was also lucky that his bottle of fine wine was left undamaged after such a great accident.

So, they decide to celebrate.

The priest ends up drinking almost all of the wine.

And just as there's about a drink left in the whole bottle, the priest asks the rabbi if he would like a drink.

The monk shrugs and says "No thanks, I'll just wait for the police to arrive."

[jp_10006]

The Two Priests
Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isnt that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!

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Filthy One Liners

On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field. One says "Boy it's mighty cold out here!", the other says "Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey".

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork
Kermit the frogs finger

what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm. yes. ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

Why are men like cars?
Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

[jp_10006]

Priest Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

[jp_10006]

Hand Cream

There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.


One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed becuase who would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"

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Johnny's Heavy Wagon

Little Johnny was going to his faters house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"

Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"

[jp_10006]

Three Nuns Go To Heaven

Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Pete says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun says, "I want to be Bo Derek" and POOF she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.

The third says (with heavy Italian accent), "I want to be Sarah Pepalini."

St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sarah Pepalini" replies the nun.

St Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,

"No Sister, this says, Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!"

[jp_10006]

It's Dark In Here

A HOUSEWIFE TAKES A LOVER DURING THE DAY, WHILE HER HUSBAND IS AT WORK.

UNKNOWN TO HER, HER 9 YEAR OLD SON WAS HIDING IN THE CLOSET. HER HUSBAND CAME HOME UNEXPECTEDLY, SO SHE HID HER LOVER IN THE CLOSET. THE BOY NOW HAS COMPANY:

BOY: "IT'S DARK IN HERE."
MAN: "YES IT IS."
BOY: "I HAVE A BASEBALL."
MAN: "THAT'S NICE."
BOY: "WANT TO BUY IT?"
MAN: "NO, THANKS."
BOY: "MY DAD'S OUTSIDE."
MAN: "OK, HOW MUCH?"
BOY: "$250."
MAN: "FINE."

IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, IT HAPPENS AGAIN THAT THE BOY AND THE MOM'S LOVER ARE IN THE CLOSET TOGETHER.

BOY: "IT'S DARK IN HERE."
MAN: "YES IT IS."
BOY: "I HAVE A BASEBALL GLOVE."
MAN: "HOW MUCH?"
BOY: "$750."
MAN: "FINE."

A FEW DAYS LATER, THE FATHER SAYS TO THE BOY, "GRAB YOUR BAT AND YOUR GLOVE. LETS GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY SOME BASEBALL. THE BOY SAYS, "I CAN'T. I SOLD THEM." THE FATHER ASKS, "HOW MUCH DID YOU SELL THEM FOR?" THE SON SAYS, "$1,000."

THE FATHER SAYS, "THAT'S TERRIBLE TO OVERCHARGE YOUR FRIENDS LIKE THAT. THAT IS WAY MORE THAN THOSE TWO THING COST. I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU TO CHURCH AND MAKE YOU CONFESS."

THEY GO TO CHURCH AND THE FATHER ALERTS THE PRIEST, AND MAKES THE LITTLE BOY SITS IN THE CONFESSION BOOTH AND CLOSES THE DOOR.

THE BOYS SAYS: "IT'S DARK IN HERE."

THE PRIEST SAYS: "DON'T START THAT SHIT AGAIN."