Materialistic Lawyer ** Updated with new jokes **

[holisticpets]

[TheCheshireCat]

I quite liked that one. Reminds me of a real accident we ones had in our place.

[holisticpets]

Human: Dogs reaction to his masters voice ordering him to change the burned bulb.
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1.Golden Retriever:

The sun is shining the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
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2. Border Collie:

Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
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3. Dachshund:

You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
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4. Rottweiler:

Make me.
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5. Boxer:

Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
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6. Lab:

Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
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7. German Shepherd:

I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
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8. Jack Russell Terrier:

I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
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9. Old English Sheep Dog:

Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
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10. Cocker Spaniel:

Why change it? I can still mess on the carpet in the dark.
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11. Chihuahua:

Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
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12. Pointer:

I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...
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13. Greyhound:

It isn't moving. Who cares?
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14. Australian Shepherd:

First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...
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15. Poodle:

I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
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The Cat's Answer:

"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
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ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE
MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

[holisticpets]

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

[holisticpets]

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child. "Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'"

The instructor continued, "But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"

One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she know to cook?"

[holisticpets]

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor.

After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he should do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

[holisticpets]

"That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude."
- Alexander Haig

"Nobody believes the official spokesperson, but everybody trusts an unidentified source."
- Ron Nesen

"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
- Albert Einstein

"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones."
- Mike Barfiel

"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
- Charlie Brown

"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over to Afghanistan to talk with the Taliban. Apparently he was having trouble rhyming the word 'Jihad'."
- Jay Leno

"Perseverance is a great element of success; if you only knock long enough and loud enough at the gate your are sure to wake up somebody."
- Unknown

"I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed."
- Bruce Lee

"I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in."
- Mick Miller

"Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has set a new world record for having the most cement blocks smashed on his groin. The old record was none."
- Jay Leno

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
- Unknown

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
- Attributed to a R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.

"He grounds the warship he walks on."
- John Bracken on Capt. Barney Kelly, who ran the USS Enterprise into the mud of San Francisco Bay in May of 1983.

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"
- Homer Simpson

"Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one."
- Homer Simpson

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein

"Promises are like crying babies in church - they should be carried out immediately."
- Unknown

"When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"
- Homer Simpson

"Is there a difference between a fat chance and a slim chance?"
- Robert T. Schwartz

"Why can't we just spell it orderves?"
- Holly Thompson

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
- Tommy Cooper

"The gambling known as business looks with severe disfavor upon the business known as gambling."
- Ambrose Bierce

“What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.”
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled.
- Sir Barnett Cocks (ca. 1907)

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
- Unknown

"Repartee is something we think of an hour too late."
- Mark Twain

"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"
- Homer Simpson

"When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped."
- Marcel Achard

[http://neerajsingh.bizhat]

"Nobody believes the official spokesperson, but everybody trusts an unidentified source."
- Ron Nesen

This quote is awesome man !!!

[holisticpets]

[holisticpets]