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Thread: Drinking jokes

  1. #101
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    The story of the bats
    Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

    "We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

    The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

    When he returns, he is covered with blood.

    The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

    The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

    "Yes," the other bat answers.

    "Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

  2. #102
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    Never talk to the parrot
    Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

    Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

    As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

    To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

  3. #103
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    I'll use my seeing eye dog
    A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

    The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

    The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

  4. #104
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    You could feed them a lot faster
    There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

    The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

    The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

  5. #105
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    There was just a dog fight
    A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

    "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

    "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."

    "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

    "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

  6. #106
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    He is a very smart dog
    I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

    "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

    The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

  7. #107
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    Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

    Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.

    Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.

    Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.

    Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.

    Purrson: A male kitty.

    Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing

  8. #108
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    Two fools are about to go flying
    Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

    After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

    Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

    The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

  9. #109
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    The amazing flying dog
    A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

    With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

    "There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

    "He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

    "Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

    The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"

  10. #110
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    The plumber has arrived
    A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

    She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived.

    He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

    He replied, "It's the plumber."

    He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

    He said, "It's the plumber!"

    He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

    He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

    Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and he fell dead in the doorway.

    The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

    The parrot said, "It's the plumber."

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