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Thread: Computer Jokes II

  1. #21
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    Changing number terms
    In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition:

    The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem.

    Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step.

    Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants.

    Motel 5: If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light.

    Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks.

    Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone's gonna get hurt !

    Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy.

    Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle.

    665: The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Ralph.

  2. #22
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    Purchasing furniture
    I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

    Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

    Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.

    You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.

    C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

    Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

    C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

    Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.

    C: But how do get there?

    Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

    C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

    And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

    C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!

  3. #23
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    Fixing broken computers
    An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

    He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

    About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

  4. #24
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    I have a keyboard error
    A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in.

    When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message.

    She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error?

    There isn't even a keyboard attached?

  5. #25
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    Type what I tell you
    While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.

    He said it said "File not found".

    I told him to do a dir.

    I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.

    He said, "Well it says autoexec, then there's some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat."

    I said type this in "type autoexec.bat".

    Again he got "File not found".

    I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.

    He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat'.

  6. #26
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    Oh the Internet is slow
    The Net is Slow

    Oh, the network outside is frightful,
    But on campus, it's so delightful,
    Our packets have nowhere to go,
    Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

    It doesn't show signs of stopping,
    All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
    Bandwidth is turned way down low,
    Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

    When we finally connect to a site,
    It's time to go back to the dorm;
    But if I could stay here all night,
    I could submit their Web form.

    The network is slowly dying,
    And, I fear, we're still denying,
    But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
    Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

  7. #27
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    Life cycle of software
    The Life Cycle of Software


    Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
    Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
    Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
    Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
    See 3.
    See 4.
    See 5.
    See 6.
    See 7.
    See 8.
    Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
    Users find 137 new bugs.
    Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
    Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
    Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
    Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
    New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
    Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
    See step 2

  8. #28
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    Computer acronyms list
    Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms

    IBM

    I Blame Microsoft

    Idiots Buy Me

    Idiots Building Machines

    I'll Buy Macintoshes

    It Bit Me

    It Built Microsoft

    It's Better Manually

    I've Been Mislead

    I've Been Mugged

    WINDOWS

    Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed

    When I Need Data Output Without Speed

    While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation

    Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

    WIN

    Whoppingly Immense NOP

    Worm Infestation Netware

    MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT

    My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology

    Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally

    WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan

    Different Operating Systems Expectations

    Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get

    MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It

    UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno

    VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not

    Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies

    APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

    DEC: Dump Everything and Close

    DEC: Do Expect Cuts

    HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic

    HP: Hot Pursuit

    IBM: I Blame Microsoft

    MAC: Most Absurd Computer

    MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

    MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

    NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash

    OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

    WARP: What A Rot Program

    Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:

    AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

    BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

    CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

    COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

    DOS: Defective Operating System

    ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

    LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

    MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

    PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

    PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

    SCSI: System Can't See It

    WWW: World Wide Wait

  9. #29
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    What movies teach us
    COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
    As depicted in movies,

    Word processors never display a cursor.

    You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

    All monitors display inch-high letters.

    High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

    Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

    Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").

    All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

    Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

    All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

    People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

    A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

    Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others).

    Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

    When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

    If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

    No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.

    Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.

    Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

    Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").

  10. #30
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    Internet can get worse
    Top ten ways the Internet could get worse

    10. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.

    9. "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.

    8. Home shopping "network".

    7. Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.

    6. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.

    5. Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".

    4. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.

    3. Gameboy web browsers.

    2. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.

    AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE:

    1. Two words: "Microsoft Network"

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