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Thread: These are REALLY GOOD

  1. #1
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    Default These are REALLY GOOD

    Lawyers



    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he’d ever have to testify about in court.

    When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper:
    “Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

    The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10 million dollar is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back:
    “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

    The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

    That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says: “Ask him again!”

    The attorney signs to the underling: “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”

    The bookkeeper signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”

    The Godfather asks the attorney: “Well, what’d he say?”

    The attorney replies: “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”


    Two fleas sitting on bench


    These two fleas, Hal and Sam, were sitting on the beach in Miami, soaking up the sun. Hal was enjoying himself tremendously, while Sam was suffering terribly from a cold. Hal asked Sam why he was so sick.

    “Well,” said Sam, “I got to Miami by climbing into some fellow’s mustache, and he rode down on a motorcycle.”

    “Next year,” Hal advised, ” you should use my method. You go to a bridge club meeting and wait until one of the ladies mentions a trip to Miami, then you climb up her leg until you find a warm moist spot, and you travel there.”

    The next year Hal happened to run into Sam on the beach, and Sam was sick again.

    “Well I tried your method,” he explained,” I went to a bridge club meeting, found a lady going to Miami, climbed up her leg until I found a warm moist spot. On the way to Miami she stopped in Washington D.C., I fell asleep, and when I woke up I was in some fellow’s mustache, riding to Miami on a motorcycle.”


    Golf, anyone?


    A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

    He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops
    by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

    When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

    Golf: $1.00.
    Dinner: $1.00.
    Room: $1.00.
    Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

    Calling over to the manager, he asks, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?”

    I’m sorry, sir,” said the manager, “but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That’s what our golf balls cost.”

    “Well,” said the man, “if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!”

    “That’s right, sir, you could have,” said the manager. “Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!”

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    Latex products factory tour

    A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

    At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise. “The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

    Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a “Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop” noise. “Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour. “I understand what the ‘hiss, hiss,’ is, but what’s that ‘pop’ every so often?”

    “Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”

    “Well, that can’t be good for the condoms!”

    “Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!”

    Another bunch of funny one-liners

    Behind every successful man, there is a great woman and behind every great woman, there is a smart guy staring at her butt.

    * If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

    * Opinion is like an *** hole, everyone has one.

    * A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.

    * Chess players mate better.

    * Excuses are like asses: everyone has em and they all stink.

    * Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg do not find nuts.

    * If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put you between F and CK.

    * Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.
    Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

    * Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

    * If you think sex is a pain in the ***, you’re doing it wrong.

    * There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don’t and stop, unless they are used together.

    * The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night.

    * I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed.

    * Prostitution is a hole sale business.

    * A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

    * It is good for woman to meet man in park, but better for man to park meat in woman.

    * What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

    * Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

    * Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

    * I’m not attracted by a girl’s mind … But by what she doesn’t mind.

    * Guns don’t kill people… Husbands who come home early kill people.

    * Gettin’ married is like getting into a bath tub.
    After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.

    * Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy!

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    ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


    BLESS ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNED. I HAVE BEEN WITH A LOOSE WOMAN
    THE PRIEST ASK "IS THAT YOU LITTLE JOHNNY PARISI ?

    YES FATHER IT IS.

    AND WHO WAS THE WOMEN YOU WERE WITH?

    I CAN'T TELL YOU FATHER. I DONT WANT TO RUIN HER REPUTATION.

    WELL JOHNNY I WILL FIND OUT SOONER OR LATER, SO YOU MAY AS WELL TELL ME NOW .

    WAS IT TINA MINETTI ?

    I CANT SAY FATHER

    WAS IT TRESSA VOLPE?

    I WILL NEVER TELL FATHER

    WAS IT NINA CAPELI?

    I AM SORRY FATHER I CANNOT TELL HER NAME

    WAS IT CATHY PIRIANO?

    MY LIPS ARE SEALED FATHER

    WAS IT ROAS De ANGELO THEN ?

    PLEASE FATHER I CANNOT TELL YOU.

    THE PRIEST SIGNS IN FRUSTRATION...YOU ARE VERY TIGHT LIPPED JOHNNY
    PARISI & I ADMIRE THAT. BUT YOU HAVE SINNED & YOU HAVE TO ATONE.
    YOU CANNOT ATTEND CHURCH FOR 4 MONTHS. NOW GO & BEHAVE URSELF.

    LITTLE JOHNNY GOES TO HIS PEW & HIS FRIEND NINO SLIDES NEXT TO HIM &
    WHISPERS TO HIM

    WHAT DID YOU GET?

    JOHNNY SAYS

    " FOUR MONTHS VACATION & FIVE GOOD LEADS"

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    Universal Laws of Bollywood


    1) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.

    2) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

    3) Nothing is too tight for Madhuri.

    4) The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine (vice versa) unless they first perform a dance number in the rain.

    5) Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other situation.

    6) Village girls who live among cows and sheep have perfect skin and teeth.

    7) A large group of goondas can be shooting at the hero, but he will never be hit, unless of course he is attempting to save the chick.

    8) A large group of goondas can be shooting at the hero with machine guns, yet they will always miss. Every shot the hero takes from his small revolver will knock down at least ten opponents in a line.

    9) If you decide to start dancing in a field, everyone you bump into will know all the steps, and will be wearing coordinated outfits.

    10) It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

    11) You can always find a trimurti when you need one. (as in Anjaam)

    12) If faced with certain death, do not panic. Merely chant, Ganpati Baba, and after a few short bolts of lightning, all will be well.

    13) A heroine will have time to change outfits several times in one song, however short.

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    do not know if this constitutes as a joke or not, but many of my foreign friends are amazed at the number of chat programmes available in India, though none of them have been able to downoad a single on of them via the net.. a few of the chat softwares are `alu-chat', `papri-chat', `dahi-chat' etc. etc. (sorry, but if you do not know the Indian language, this one will probably confuse you)

  6. #6
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    Honestly, we will have these answers in our mind ... but we give different, tailored and suitable answers to the guy !


    1. Why did you apply for this job?

    Ans: I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.


    2. Why do you want to work for this company?

    Ans: I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.


    3. Why should I hire you?

    Ans: You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

    4. What would you do if this happened?

    Ans: Well, it depends my mindset and mood at that situation...


    5. What is your biggest strength?

    Ans: Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company


    6.What is your biggest weakness?

    Ans: Girls


    7. What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?

    Ans: Joining my earlier company and learnt that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today


    8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?

    Ans: Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.


    9. Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?

    Ans: Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.


    10. Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?

    Ans: For the same reason why you left your earlier job


    11. What do you want from this job?

    Ans: If no work is given but keep giving good hikes


    12. What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?

    Ans: Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs


    13. Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?

    Ans: Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website


    14. What is the salary expected and how do justify that?

    Ans: Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard
    (I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%)

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    Why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek

    The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will." The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek." President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

  8. #8
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    The first joke was good.
    Will check out others later.

  9. #9
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    this jokes was good. realy good.
    you make me laought

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