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Thread: I'll post all my jokes here...

  1. #1
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    Jul 2008
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    Default I'll post all my jokes here...

    An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

    The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is". While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

    The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

    Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

    The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother"

  2. #2
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    Jul 2008
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    Default A Talking Dog

    A young cowboy from Butte, Montana goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

    He calls home.

    "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here, in Bozeman, that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

    "That's amazing," his dad says. "How do I get Old Blue in that program?"

    "Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him into the course."

    So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

    About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

    "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results that they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

    "Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Old Blue in that program?"

    "Just send $2,500, and I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.

    Our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

    When he arrives home, his father is all excited.

    "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

    "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'"

    The father exclaims, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

    "I sure did, Dad!"

    "That's my boy!"

    The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
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    5

    Default Welfare

    A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.

    The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is
    excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.


    You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.


    This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.


    A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'


    The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshittin' me!

    The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . You started it.'

  4. #4
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    Jul 2008
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    Default Last one for today...

    Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

    "No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

    While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

    Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

    The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

    "How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

  5. #5
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    Jul 2008
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    7

    Default the chicken

    once upon a time a hen tells to her husband: what a bad days, shen I go out of home everybody is telling: eat your legs, eat your breast,... it's shameful!
    her husband says dont worry! until bush is the president they cant even eat your egg!

  6. #6
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    Jul 2008
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    13

    Default

    Hee, you've got some good ones, takifugu. :3

  7. #7
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    Aug 2008
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    5

    Default

    lol, keep em comming!

  8. #8
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    Aug 2008
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    Default lol

    Nice :]
    The 2nd joke best of these.

  9. #9
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    Aug 2008
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    9

    Default

    Thanks for joke :)

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