Short Funny Jokes

[sherlyk]

Short Funny Jokes

Q)What is the quietest place in the world?
A)The complaint department of the parachute company.

Q)What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A)Thanks. I'll never part with it!

The wife was crying as her daughter went off to college. Her husband consoled her,
"Don't think of it as losing a daughter. Think of it as gaining both a telephone and a bathroom."

What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!

How many hillbillies does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q: How many New Age gurus does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - Change must come from within.


Q) What do you do when your Kotex catches on fire?
A) Throw it on the floor and tampon it.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q) If an elephant's front legs were doing 60 miles per hour...what would the back legs be doing?
A) Hauling ass !!!!!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t..."

Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Because Italians hate all witnesses.

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a man of upright character.
Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was seeking in a woman was intelligence.
The service matched them together at once because they had one thing in common -- they were both pathological liars.

After several unsuccessful advances, the bachelor asked his blonde and alluring but standoffish date "Do you shrink from making love?"
"If I did," she sighed, "I'd be a midget."

What does the dentist of the year get?
A little plaque

Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.

LAPD OFFICER: "We arrested this man beating the living daylights out of some poor slob for no reason at all! What should we charge him with?"
DESK SERGEANT: "Impersonating an Officer."

[sherlyk]

The customer was dissatisfied with his pair of tailored trousers and decided to take them back to the tailor. However, the tailor was out and only his wife was there at the shop. The customer was rather embarrassed at explaining the problem to her and said, “This pair of trousers is like the ballroom in Westminster Abbey.”

The tailor’s wife was surprised and said, “Sir, there is no ballroom in the Abbey.”

To which the customer replied, “Well, there is no ballroom in this trouser either.”


Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "It's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"
"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"


Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

[sherlyk]

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.
Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't
intimidate her.
Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she
creates a class argument.

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
Really means: He's a bully.

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide.

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a
year's repetition of her learning environment.
Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat
the 8th grade.

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome.
Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.

[vineesh]

nice one...tks for sharing it..

[sherlyk]

A couple are in the throes of a divorce, and are attending court over the custody of their young son.
In order to properly assess the situation, the judge takes the young lad into chambers; “Would you like to live with your mother?” asks the judge. “No” says the lad, “she hits me.” “So then would you like to live with your father?” asks the judge.
“No” says the lad again, “he hits me too!” “Well who would you like to live with?” asks the judge. “I’d like to live with Nottingham Forest Football Club” says the lad.
“Nottingham Forest Football Club!” exclaims the judge, hardly believing his ears “Why on earth would you possibly want to live with Nottingham Forest Football club?” he asks.
“Because they never beat anybody!!!”

[sherlyk]

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking about a specific condition, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"



What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

[sherlyk]

Funeral For A Friend

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it Tim?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, "That's because he's still inside your stupid cat."


Fool's Paradise

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

[sudarsan biitm]

"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead."

[sherlyk]

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted,"Order! Order!"
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."

Two old women

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

[sherlyk]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied,
“We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!


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