Start a Flood

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the sunny Caribbean. They were discussing their great vacations when the lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That is quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer, quite puzzled, asked, "How DO you start a flood?"

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Dad at the Supermarket

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her.

She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.