BEST JOKES ON PLANET (MISC JOKES)(A)

[solksjaer15]

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".

I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.

He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.

I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

[solksjaer15]

Amitabh : Apka 13th question 25 lakh ke leye yeh raha apke samne..

Contestant Santa Singh is tensed.

Amitabh : Who is the father of Abhishek Bacchan



ON Computer Screen:

A. Amitabh Bacchan B. Laloo Prasad Yadav

C. Azaruddin D. General Perverz Musharaff .

Amitabh : Apka kya jawab hai ? ( He is quite sure that Santa will opt for A)

But Santa is still confused.

Amitabh : Apke pas do life line hai..50:50 and phone a friend.

Santa: I think it is A, but am not sure.

Amitabh : Not sure... Hmmm ap kya karna chahenge?

Santa : I would like to use 50:50?

Amitabh: Ok computer , 2 galat javabo ko mita de..



Computer after deleting two names, leaves two options which are: -

B. Laloo Prasad Yadav.

C. Moh. Azharuddin.

Amitabh is confused and tensed thinks how come the computer has made this mistake But as is said in bollywood the show must go on.

Now Santa is confused.

Santa: I would like to use the last life line phone a friend..

Amitabh : Ap kisko phone karna chahenge?

Santa : "Mein Jaya Bachan ji ko phone karna chahoonga...."


Amitabh Fainted !!!!!

And the call is now connected to Jayabachan and listen ......

Santa asked the question to Jaya.



Santa : " Jayaji , Who is the father of Abhishek Bacchan ?


Jaya Bachan: Give me the options!!!!!!

[crimson_ghost]

why do priests hate condoms?
they get caught in braces

two blondes walk into a building...
you think one of them would have seen it

two blondes walking through a forrest come across a set of tracks the first one said they were rabbit tracks the second one said they were deer tracks...
they were still arguing when the train hit them

[sahil_india_boy]

Amitabh : Apka 13th question 25 lakh ke leye yeh raha apke samne..

Contestant Santa Singh is tensed.

Amitabh : Who is the father of Abhishek Bacchan



ON Computer Screen:

A. Amitabh Bacchan B. Laloo Prasad Yadav

C. Azaruddin D. General Perverz Musharaff .

Amitabh : Apka kya jawab hai ? ( He is quite sure that Santa will opt for A)

But Santa is still confused.

Amitabh : Apke pas do life line hai..50:50 and phone a friend.

Santa: I think it is A, but am not sure.

Amitabh : Not sure... Hmmm ap kya karna chahenge?

Santa : I would like to use 50:50?

Amitabh: Ok computer , 2 galat javabo ko mita de..



Computer after deleting two names, leaves two options which are: -

B. Laloo Prasad Yadav.

C. Moh. Azharuddin.

Amitabh is confused and tensed thinks how come the computer has made this mistake But as is said in bollywood the show must go on.

Now Santa is confused.

Santa: I would like to use the last life line phone a friend..

Amitabh : Ap kisko phone karna chahenge?

Santa : "Mein Jaya Bachan ji ko phone karna chahoonga...."


Amitabh Fainted !!!!!

And the call is now connected to Jayabachan and listen ......

Santa asked the question to Jaya.



Santa : " Jayaji , Who is the father of Abhishek Bacchan ?


Jaya Bachan: Give me the options!!!!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

WOW NICE JOKE THIS ONE ...... :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana:

[qwe123]

as sahil posted, good one solks. Keep posting!!

[solksjaer15]

An Irishman, An Australian and a Liverpudlian are in a pub having
a drink when they notice a man sitting on his own on the other side of the
pub.

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly
familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him
before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

"My God! I know who that man is - its Jesus"!
The others looked again, and sure enough it was Jesus himself
sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"?

Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head "yes
I am Jesus" he says.

Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd
like you to give Jesus a pint of Guinness from me."

The bartended pours Jesus a Guinness, Jesus looks over, raises his
glass in thanks and drinks.

Then the Australian calls out: "Oi You! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
Jesus nods his head and says "Yes I am Jesus".

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartended send over a
pint of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

The Scouser then calls out "Oi whack, would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says "Yes I am Jesus".
The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint
of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus
accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and
approaches our three friends.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for
the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.
"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for 40 years
is gone! I's a miracle!!!!"

Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.
Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. "by jingo mate, the
migraine! The migraine I've had
for 10 years is completely gone - it's a miracle !!!!"

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says:

"Back off mate! I'm on disability!"

[solksjaer15]

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.

[karthikjj]

good to see good posts over forum.
keep it up buddy.


regards
jj