Jokes

[sahil_india_boy]

A to Zs of getting dumped on by females
adult

-A- is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit. She was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

-B- is for bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then Die!

-C- is for call ya later. She won't. She never has before.

-D- is for dumped. Does D need to be explained?

-E- is for eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said I'm not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your uncle Roy (you remember uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

-F- is for friends. That is what she just wanted to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

-G- is for gun. And yes, there is a waiting period.

-H- is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

-I- stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers favors.

-J- stands for Jim. That is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

-K- stands for kill.

-L- is for love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

-L- is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

-M- is for Mephistopheles. That is who she worked for.

-N- stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

-O- is for On top. When on top... she has another O word.

-P- is for pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

-Q- is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

-R- is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

-S- stands for stab. Stabbing would be fun.

-S- also stands for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve.

-T- is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth, she also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and handcuffs and worse with her teeth during blowjobs.

-U- is for understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

-V- is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.

-W- stands for wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to screw. But after too much she puked; that is, from the wine. Not the activity.

-X- is for Xylophone. Because X is always for Xylophone.

-Y- stands for You suck. Remember when she yelled that at you?

-Z- stands for ZZZZZZZZ. Remember all those times you wanted to have sex and she would tell you she had a headache and would go to sleep...

-.- stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

[sahil_india_boy]

Asking for a raise
adult

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

a.. I do physical labor
b.. I work at great depths
c.. I work head first
d.. I do not get floating days, weekends off or public holidays
e.. I work in a damp environment
f.. I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
g.. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
h.. I work in high temperatures
i.. My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from Human Resources:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

a.. You do not work 8 hours straight
b.. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
c.. You do not always follow the orders of the management team
d.. You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
e.. You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
f.. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
g.. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
h.. You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits.
i.. You don't wait till pension age before retiring
j.. You don't like working double shifts
k.. You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
l.. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

[sahil_india_boy]

A Womans Randoms Thoughts
adult

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reasons to smile:

Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch ... do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

[sahil_india_boy]

A quiz
adult

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake.

The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath.

So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.

The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog that jumps into water before she can.

The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?






Scroll down for the answer.















This should be easy for a person of your mental powers.































Scroll down.



























You ready? Here goes . . .















SEVEN UP

[sahil_india_boy]

Condoms to Avoid
adult

Rice Krispie Condoms: Snap, crackle, pop.

McDonald's Condoms: You deserve a break today.

Mounds/Almond Joy Condoms: Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.

Sprite Condoms: Never had it, never will.

In 'n Out Burger Condoms: ('nough said)

Federal Express Condoms: When it absolutely, positively has to get there overnight.

Wendy's Condoms: Where's the beef?

Lifesaver Condoms: The one with the hole in the middle.

Jello Condoms: Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle.

Payless Condoms: You could pay more, but why?

Sprint Condoms: A dime a minute.

Hamburger Helper Condoms: When you need a helping hand.

Saturn Condoms: A different kind of condom.

Memorex Condoms: Is it real or is it .....

[sahil_india_boy]

15 steps to shitting like a man
adult

1. Select reading material

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.

11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.

12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.

13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).

14. Wash your hands once.

15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

[sahil_india_boy]

Auction Dreams
adult

There is a married couple, and one morning, as they are waking up, the wife mentions a peculiar dream she had... "I was at this auction, where they were selling dicks. The real big ones were getting $100 . . . and the real small ones were getting $10"

The husband naturally asked what his would of got ?

"Yours !, $3"
The next morning the husband mentions that he had a dream.

"I was at this auction, where they were selling vaginas.

The real tight ones were getting $100 . . . and the real loose ones were getting $10"

The wife had to ask "What did mine get ?"

"Yours !, that was where the auction was !"

[sahil_india_boy]

Adam And Eve
adult

One day Adam and Eve looked up and saw God standing there holding a bag.

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation."God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help SO MUCH when I'm out hunting! Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me have it!"

"Well, OK, here. Now, let's see what else we have." God rummages about a bit more in the bag. "Ah, right. Multiple orgasms."