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Thread: joke of the day

  1. #11
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    Default

    the last one was a bad joke., With the little master getting just ones and two's except the first two matches against SL this joke will not be a apt one at thsi time.

    The other jokes were good. I liked the interview joke very much.

  2. #12
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    Default thx

    thanks indianbaba for ur reply.ur only posting reply to me.
    it's a real boost.
    thanks a lot

  3. #13
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    Default xtra

    This is true Guys :-)))

    At the college, male & female students were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

    Females wrote : When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, then, it is spiritually and morally acceptable to the society that they both engage themselves in the act of physical sex with one another.

    Men wrote : 'I love sex.'

    ***

    Birthday PresentA wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
    They arrive at the club and the doorman says,
    "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
    "Oh, no,"says Dave.
    "He's on my bowling team.
    "When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and bringsover a Budweiser.
    His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
    "How did she knowthat you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey.
    Weshare lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and
    says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?
    "Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
    Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door,
    he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the strippermust have mistaken him for someone else,
    but his wife is having none of it.She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
    calling him every name inthe book.The cabby turns his head and says,
    "Looks like you picked up a real bitchtonight, Dave."
    Before you get your head to far into your work or what ever your doing ... have a ......



    Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms
    and kept the same tag line....
    Sainsbury condoms - Making life taste better.
    Tescos condoms - Every little helps.
    Nike condoms - Just do it.
    Peugeot condoms - The ride of your life.
    Galaxy condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
    KFC condoms - Finger licking good.
    Minstrels condoms - Melt in your mouth, not your hands.
    Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.
    Abbey National condoms - Because life is complicated enough.
    Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
    Ever ready condoms - Keeps going and going.
    Pringles condoms - Once you pop, you can't stop.
    Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper.
    Goodyear condoms - For a longer ride go wide.
    FCUK condoms - No comment required.
    Muller light condoms - So much pleasure, but where's the pain.
    Halfords condoms - We go the extra mile.
    Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
    Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long.
    Renault condoms - Size really does matter.
    Ronseal condoms - Does exactly what it says on the tin.
    Ronseal quick-drying condoms - Its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes.
    Domestos condoms - Gets right under the rim (please).
    Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach.
    Carlsberg condoms - Probably the best condoms in the world.
    AA condoms - For the 4th emergency service.
    Pepperami condoms - Its a bit of an animal.
    and ....
    Polo condoms - The condom with the hole



    A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends 5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

    On her way home, she stops at a newsagents to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the guy, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

    "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the server the same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

    Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemists on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some supplies and asks the attendant the burning question. The attendant responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78! and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weights each breast.. He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says,"Okay, okay,...how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible - how could you tell?"

    The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't" she says.

    He says "I was behind you in the queue at McDonald's."




    A 75 year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow".

    The next day, the 75 year old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this....First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing."

    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor." The old Man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all 3 of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."

    Yorkshire Women.



    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform:

    Terry had married a woman from Scotland, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.

    James had married a woman from Ireland and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

    The third man said the he had married a Yorkshire lass. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.

    You gotta love this.....

    This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

    It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

    As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

    The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

    He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

    While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man 's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

    This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

    Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends ... $32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion ... $3,000. Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui ... $8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man ... Priceless.

  4. #14
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    Jun 2005
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    Default SHOCKING TELEGRAMS

    TELEGRAM #1
    A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her
    clearing B.Ed exams, which
    the father receives as :
    "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

    TELEGRAM #2
    A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill
    station sends a telegram to
    his wife "I wish you were here." The message received
    by wife: "I wish you were
    her."

    TELEGRAM #3
    A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway
    station to return to her
    husband.
    At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it
    was the last ticket. Taking
    pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she
    offered her berth to the
    old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which
    reached as:
    "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train,
    gave birth to an old
    lady."

    TELEGRAM #4
    A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by
    throwing a party. So he goes
    to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what
    message he wants to put
    on the cake.
    Well he thinks for a while and says: let's put,
    "you are not getting older! You are getting better".
    The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?"
    The man says, Well put >
    "You are not getting older", at the top and "You
    are getting better" at
    the bottom. The real fun didn't start until the cake
    was opened the entire
    party watched the message decorated on the cake:
    "You are not getting older at the top,
    You are getting better at the bottom".

    TELEGRAM #5
    A man from Agra went! to Ajmer. His wife was in her
    parent's house in Delhi.
    When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to
    send a telegramto his wife
    indicating about his trip to Ajmer.
    He sent a telegram. When the wife received the
    telegram, she fainted. It was
    written: sethji aaj mar gaye ! ( Sethji Ajmer gaye ).

  5. #15
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    Default osama

    Osama Bin Laden phoned President George W. Bush.

    "I had a dream about the United States," he said. I could see the
    whole country, and over every building and home was a banner,"
    said Bin Laden.

    "What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush.

    "LONG LIVE OSAMA!" answered Osama.

    "I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I too
    had dream. In my dream, I saw Afghanistan and Pakistan, and they were
    more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt, and over every building and home
    was a big, beautiful banner."

    "What did the banner say?" asked Osama.

    "I don't know," answered President Bush, "I can't read Hindi."

  6. #16
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    Default musharuff's ass

    Musharraf wanted to raise money for his country, and on being told
    that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one
    and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going
    price for was very high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
    He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter
    it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

    The next day the local paper:

    MUSHARRAF'S ASS SHOWS

    Mian Sahib was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in
    the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

    MUSHARRAF'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

    His wife was so upset with this kind of publicity that she ordered
    Mian MUSHARRAF not to enter the donkey in another race. The
    paper headline read:

    WIFE SCRATCHES MUSHARRAF'S ASS

    This was too much for WIFE. So she ordered MUSHARRAF to get
    rid of the donkey. Mian Sahib decided to give it to BENAZIR. The
    paper headline the next day read:

    BENAZIR TAKES MUSHARRAF'S ASS

    Followed by another on the next day:

    NOW BENAZIR HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

    All the opposition leaders got very upset at this kind of publicity.
    They informed Benazir that she would have to get rid of the
    donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for Rs.500. Next day the
    headline read:

    BENAZIR SELLS HER ASS FOR Rs. 500

    This was too much for the veteran opposition leader, Nawabzada
    Nasrullah Khan, so he ordered Benazir to buy back the donkey lead
    it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline
    in the paper read:

    BENAZIR ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

    The Nawabzada was buried the next day and Pakistan got rid of the
    biggest Ass it had produced in the bargain.

  7. #17
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    Default husband&wife

    A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 KM/H. The
    husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey,
    I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

    The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 KM/H.

    "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been
    having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover
    than you."

    Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger
    increases.

    "I want the house also." Again the husband speeds up, and now is
    doing 75 KM/H.

    "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster and
    faster, now he's up to 85 KM/H. "And I want the car, the checking
    account, and all the credit cards."

    The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling
    as the speedometer reaches 90 KM/H. "You're taking this incredibly
    calmly," the wife says. "Isn't there anything that you want?"

    "No, I have everything I need."

    "What's that?"

    "The airbag."

  8. #18
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    Default ultimate letter

    Dear Husband:

    > I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

    > I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

    > Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minut es, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

    >
    > P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

    > Your EX-Wife

    >

    Dear Ex-Wife


    > Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true

    > that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
    >
    > I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
    >
    >
    >
    > When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

    I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

    After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.

    > My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.



    > P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

    >

    > Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

  9. #19
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    Default funny maaaaaaaaaaaaaaths

    ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
    Smart man + smart woman = romance
    Smart man + dumb woman = affair
    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

    OFFICE ARITHMETIC
    Smart boss + smart employee = profit
    Smart boss + dumb employee = production
    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

    SHOPPING MATH
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

    GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    HAPPINESS
    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

    LONGEVITY
    Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
    HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
    "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  10. #20
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    Posts
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    Default [email protected]

    The Moods of a Woman

    An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
    A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
    She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
    But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
    Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
    She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
    She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
    She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
    At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
    She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.



    The Moods of a Man

    Hungry.
    Horny.
    Sleepy.

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