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Thread: joke of the day

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2005

    Default joke of the day

    I want to lose some weight

    A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

    John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

    Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2005

    Default Accident

    A Pakistani and an Indian get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Indian sees the Pakistani's car and asks, "So you're a Pakistani. I'm an Indian. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

    The Pakistani replies, "I agree with you completely this must be a sign from Allah."

    The Indian continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Pakistani.

    The Pakistani says : "Even though alcohol is banned by Islam but it looks like Allah wanted us to drink." He takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the Indian.

    The Indian takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the Pakistani. The Pakistani asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Indian replies, "No... I think I'll wait for the police!"
    :lol: :lol: :lol:

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2005

    Default animal joke

    Q:Why do seagulls live near the sea?

    A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2005

    Default school jokes

    Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement.

    He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades...somebody is going to get a spanking!"

    It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
    The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "
    That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
    "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
    The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
    The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
    "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
    "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
    The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
    "Is it wine?" she asked.
    "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
    The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
    "Is it champagne?" she asked.
    "No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
    The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
    With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
    :lol: :lol: :lol:

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2005

    Default Operating systems as beers

    OS/2 Beer -- Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2005

    Default a good manager

    1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks Nine women
    can deliver a baby in
    One month.

    2) Developer is a Person who thinks a single woman
    cannot deliver a baby in
    nine months.

    3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman
    can deliver nine babies
    in one month.

    4) Client is one who knows that it takes a man, a
    woman & nine months to
    deliver a baby, But expects otherwise.

    5) Marketing manager is a person who thinks I can
    deliver a child whether a
    man and woman is available or not.

    6) Resource optimisation team thinks I don't want man
    or woman, I'll still
    produce a child with zero resources.

    7) Documentation team will think I don't care how a
    child is delivered, I'll
    just document 9 months.

    8) QA Auditor is the only person who is never happy
    with the PROCESS to
    produce baby.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2005

    Default a nice way to sleep in class

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2005

    Default interview

    Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

    Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele
    engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of

    Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of
    Technology? I had never
    heard of this college before!

    Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before
    getting an
    admission into it . What happened is - due to cricket
    world cup I scored badly
    12th.I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But
    my father said (I
    prefer to call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much
    of money".(The
    baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of
    money on you"). So I
    had to join this college. Frankly
    speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the
    most be related
    to a
    Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years
    to complete your

    Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4
    years. But you
    know ,
    these cricket matches and football world cup, and
    tournaments..It is
    difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd
    year. So in all I
    4 + 2 = 7 years.

    Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.

    Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in
    maths. But I will try
    keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These
    cricket matches really
    affect exams a lot. I think they ! should ban it.

    Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket
    matches to be banned.

    Candidate: No, no.. I am talking about Exams!!

    Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in

    Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My
    mom never thought I
    would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd
    year, she was looking
    a job for me in BEST(Bus corporation in Maharashtra)
    through some
    relative .

    Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?

    Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing
    \'lower\' education
    was so much of pain!!

    Interviewer: Let\'s talk about technical stuff. On
    which platforms have

    Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say
    Andheri is my current
    platform . Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was
    my platform
    then. As
    you can see I have experience of different platforms !
    (Vashi and
    are the places in Mumbai)

    Interviewer: And which languages have you used?

    Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can
    keep quiet in
    French, Russian and many other languages.

    Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

    Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So
    VC is a higher
    than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a
    new language VD!
    ",1]);//-->Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
    Interviewer: What are your expectations from our

    Candidate: Not much.

    1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.

    2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it
    should not have
    deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects
    natural talent.

    3. I believe in flexi-timings.

    4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would
    like to wear t-shirt

    5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest wednesday
    off also, so as
    avoid breakdown due to overwork.

    6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short
    term preferably
    months) assignments. Personally I prefer US,Australia
    and Europe. But
    considering the fact that there is a world cup in West
    Indies in 2007,I
    don\'t mind going there in that period . As you can
    see I am modest and
    have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
    Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly

    Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess,
    this is the
    language our ministers and MPs use in assembly .

    Interviewer: What is your general project experience?

    Candidate: My general experience about projects is -
    most of th! e
    times they are in pipeline!

    Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

    Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata
    InfoTech ltd. Since
    joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used
    to think that
    Bench was another software like Windows.

    Interviewer: Do you have any project management

    Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult.
    I know Word and
    Excel.I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for
    International phone call
    and use speaker facility. And very important - I know
    few words like -
    'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes',
    'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' ,
    Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2005

    Default xtra

    Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty
    girl asked,

    "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does
    it cost?"

    "Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

    "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

    With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
    the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
    held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and
    pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa
    will pay the bill," she smiled.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2005

    Default xtra

    A page from Shoaib Akhtar's diary -

    Ya Khuda! what a match that was against India. Taught me so much. Never in my life should i forget following things that i learnt from todays match

    (if i were to keep my reputation intact in future)...

    1. Never bowl short length delivery to Sachin Tendulkar....

    he can cut and pull and hook very well...

    2. Never bowl full length delivery to Sachin Tendulkar....

    he can drive like no one else in world..

    3. Never bowl good length delivery to Sachin Tendulkar....

    he can play on the rise so comfortably..

    4. Never bowl outside offstump to Sachin Tendulkar....

    he is extremely strong on offside..

    5. Never bowl on pads of Sachin Tendulkar....

    he can flick and glance like no one can..

    6. Never bowl a straight line to Sachin Tendulkar....

    he can hit that anywhere in the ground..

    7. Never bowl very fast to Sachin Tendulkar....

    he uses my pace against me..

    8. Never bowl a slow one to Sachin Tendulkar....

    he can pick the slower one so quickly..

    9. Never bowl a full toss to Sachin Tendulkar....

    the ball finds a way to the stands..

    And the most important thing i learnt from this

    match...aptly the lesson no. 10

    10. Never talk about my dream of clean bowling Sachin Tendulkar in public...
    he turns the dream into nightmare..

    Anyways, who wants to ball to Sachin Tendulkar again in life....

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