Funny One Liners

[roadkiller]

One Liners.....ahh those jokes that are short, but the amount of laughs are immense in size.


So enjoy...

**The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

**I know money can't buy me happiness, all i'm asking is a chance to prove it.

**I don't approve of political jokes....I have seen way too many of them get elected

**If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see all those dead rabbits on the highway?

**Remember: Half the people you meet are below average

[roadkiller]

More....

Sorry guys, this one is hitting on our own sex, but don't worry we'll get them back..lol

**How can you tell a man is sexually excited? See if he is breathing

**How are men like parking spot? The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped

**Why is it so hard to find MEN who are caring, sensitive, and romantic? Because they have BOYfriends already. LOL

[roadkiller]

More... Why? Why? Why?

** Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

**What if there was no hypothetical situations

**Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?

**Why is it that when we transport something by car, its called shipment, and when we transport something by ship, its called cargo?

**If its tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

**When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

**Why is lemon juice made with artifical flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

**Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

**Why is the boxing ring a square?

**Why is it called lipstick, when you can still move your lips?

**Why is it that night falls, but day breaks?


:):):):)

[roadkiller]

Oxymorons....Have you ever heard common sayings that when you thought about it, just didn't make sense?

Well here are a few

**Act naturally

**Found missing

**Airline Food

**Good grief

**Government organization

**Legally drunk

**Business ethics

**Military intelligence

**TEMPRORARY TAX INCREASE

**Political science

**Diet Ice Cream

** Honest Politician

**Happily Married

**Microsoft Works

[roadkiller]

Is there no one here right now, forget replies, I don't even see views. lol

BTW, please do reply if you like it/hate it or are trying to hack my computer. lol

Didn't I say before, that I'll make up for ratting on us men, well here goes.

Why is our life better than a Woman's life?

**Your ass is never a factor in any interview

**Your orgasams are real, always

**Your last name stays put

**The garage is yours only

**Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow

**Chochlate is just a snack

**You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park

**You can be President

**Foreplay is optional

**mechanics tell you the truth

**You don't feel the urge to stop a friend from getting laid

**The world is your urinal

**Wax never gets within 10 feet of your pubic area

**You don't have to drive to another gas station because this one is just too dirty

**You don't have to schedule sex,vacations, and new outfits around your reproductive system

**Same work...more pay

**Wrinkles add character

**If you retain water, its in a canteen

**People don't glance at your chest while you talk to them

**New shoes don't hurt your feet

**Porn was made with your mind in mind

**Not liking a person doesn't prevent you from having sex with them

**No pantyhose

**One mood all the time


Women

**Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting, this might get men arrested.

**If its not Valentine's day or Flower Day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can start the conversation by just asking "What did you do?"


**PMS stands for permissiable man slaughter

[roadkiller]

Marriage Jokes....

**Me and my wife go out to eat and have fun twice a week. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays


**I came home and my wife told me to take her somewhere expensive. So I took her to the gas station.

**I came home and my wife told me to take her to a place where she hasn't been in a while, so I suggested the kitchen.

**My wife got a mudpack and looked great for 2 days, but then the mud fell off.

**Remember folks, marriage is the number one cause of divorces. In an independent study conducted by scientists, it was determined that 100% of divorces were caused by marriages.

**Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to!

**Someone stole my credit card, but I'm not reporting it because the thief spends less than my wife.

**The wedding rings are basically miniture handcuffs.

[roadkiller]

What can you do at Walmart, when your wife is testing the spending limits of your credit card?


Here are some suggestions:

**Get some boxes of condoms and randomly put it in other people's shopping carts when they are not looking

**Got to the Housewares section and set all the alarm clocks five minutes apart.

**Go up to an employee and in an offical tone say "Code 3, Housewares section" and see what happens

**Take the "Caution- Wet Floor" sign to a carpeted area

**Look in the security camera and pick your nose

**While handling guns in the Hunting section, ask for the clerck next to you "Where are the anti-depressants"

**Go into the fitting room and after ten minutes, yell out "There is no toilet paper in here"

[roadkiller]

Do you want to piss of people or annoy them, well you are in luck, here is your guide.


**Sit in your car with glasses on, and point a hair dryer at passing cars, see if they slow down

**Page yourself over the intercom, don't disguise your voice

**In the memo section of your all your checks write "For Sexual Favors"

**Don't use an punctuation

**Ask people what sex they are, and then laugh hysterically when they answer.

**Repeat several times that your drive through order is "to go"

**Sing along at the opera

**Put mosquito netting around your work area

**When money comes out of the ATM scream "I won I won 3rd time this week"

**When leaving the zoo, run towards the parking lot yelling "run for your lives, they got loose"

[roadkiller]

Jokes about sex, maybe this will spur some interest.


**Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

**Women may be able to fake orgasams, but men are able to fake whole relationships.

**Having sex is a lot like playing bridge, if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

**There are a number of mechanical devices that enhance the sexuality of women, prime among these are the Mercedes 380 SL

**See the problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

**Remember it its pre-martial sex if you have no intention of getting married.

[pmcracing1]

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'