joke time buddies(PART 2)

[ftvfatboy]

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?


YOU'VE GOT TO READ THIS...IT IS PRICELESS!!!

(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like, "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

[ftvfatboy]

A man goes into the dentist's office to get a bad tooth pulled.
As he opening his mouth and the dentist is about to drill, he
asks how long the procedure will take.
"Five minutes," the dentist proudly states. "You'll be out of
here before you know it, and won't feel a thing - the local will
last 10 minutes."
"And how much is this costing again?" the man asks.
"$190" the dentist states plainly.
"Geesh," the man grumbled, "it's a crime to be able to hold a
man captive for five minutes and charge him $190!"
"Then for you, I'll give you a special!" the dentist said, and
the man's face looked pleasantly relieved. "I'll take 15
minutes to do the extraction."

[ftvfatboy]

After the Heart Transplant
After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving
instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied
tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours' sleep a night.
Finally, the patient asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it
be all right for me to have intercourse?"
"Just with your wife," responded the doctor, "We don't want you to
get too excited."

[ftvfatboy]

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now
often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi,
Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Fanta, and Sprite"
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought
I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snackbar
clerk at a movie theatre for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir,
would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with
that?"

[ftvfatboy]

I've been nervous about my wife since she bought this new knife holder...

[ftvfatboy]

Brothers and Sisters

Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"

"She knows now," Jack replied.

Something Special...

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."

________________________________

[ftvfatboy]

Why did the blonde

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

[ftvfatboy]

Eulogy of Seamus O'Malley

Brothers Mike and Seamus O'Malley were the two richest men in town, and complete shites both of 'em. They swindled the Church out of its property, foreclosed on the orphanage and cheated widows out of their last mite. And that was just for starters.

Finally Seamus up and dies, and Mike pays a visit to the priest.
"Father," he says, "my good name will be upheld in this town. You'll be givin' the eulogy for me brother, and in that eulogy you are going to say "Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

"I won't do such a thing. T'would be a lie!"

"I know you will," says Mike. "I hold the mortgage on the parish school, and if you don't say those words, I'll foreclose."

The priest is over a barrel. "And if I pledge to say those words, then you'll sign the note over free and clear?"

"Done," cackles Mike, and he signs over the note.

Next morning at the funeral, the priest begins the eulogy:

"Seamus O'Malley was a mean-spirited, spiteful, penurious, lying, cheating, arrogant and hateful excuse for a human being. But compared to his brother, Mike,...Seamus O'Malley was truly a saint."

[ftvfatboy]

Lawyers & Charity

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."

"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

[ftvfatboy]

1) You only get laid once.

2) You only get eaten once.

3) It takes 7 minutes to get hard.

4) You have to come in a box with 11 others.

5) The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.